Telling my story...

Pushing Through...

2011-10-04T04:44:00.000-07:00

so I have been out 5 times so far in about a 2 week span... I had to take 4 days off because of a bad chest cold. I had actually gone out running when the cold had started and felt horrible. The doctor recommended I take it easy and heal then get back at it..
And that's what I have done..

Yesterday was my first day back and I decided to walk to entire 5 kms. I want to see how long it was and mapped out a path that would get me home at the exact 5 kms mark.... of course, I failed to think of the hills and construction.. but I did it.. I can say that I lightly jogged a few times to see how I felt, but for the most part I walked it and it took me about an hour.
I have 3 months to train for my first ever 5km run on January 1st...
I get nervous just thinking about it...

I am off to the doctors today for a check up and for her to listen to my lungs and get my knees x-ray'd...I'm having some issues with them...
The thing about me though is that once I get an idea in my head and I mean it.. I go for it...
Even if my knees hurt and are swollen and even if I have a cold...

So my goal in the next 2 weeks is to be able to pick up the pace...go a little further while running...
I am also looking into the gym... a friend of mine told me that if my core was stronger, that I would feel better.... so I am looking into that. I really like the Athletic club.. they have pools and I would love to be able to do some swimming and aqua aerobics!!!
I'm still not so sure Yoga is for fat people, but I have another hot yoga friend of mine who has decided it's her mission to get me in a class....umm.. we'll see about that...

I have also sat down and planned out meals and counted calories...
Being sick was tough to stay focused, but for the most part, I did ok...

SO I'm back, still have a runny nose and a cough, but I feel much better and am even back to work...so here I go...

If you are on my Facebook, I had started a little series of videos while I was out running....but then, I watched myself after I received emails from people telling me how brave I was for doing that...
Umm.. I look like crap and can't believe I did that, so I'm not sure I will continue them, but I am documenting every step to remind me how hard this really is...
Because this is hard...
No pills can fix it..
No magic surgery...
No denying it...

It's really freakin hard....but it's all I can think about...

so for all those who are just starting to smarten up or get started in their own way.. I send you hugs and heating pads and a little A535...let's get 'er done!!!!

2011-09-26T06:54:00.000-07:00

no picture..
no excuses...
no more...
this is it..
my real journey to health and wellness has begun....

for almost a year I have read and watched as my friend Katie has taken her life by the reigns and soared to heights that are truly amazing.. I have read and I have watched...in awwwe of her..
everyday I would cheer from the computer and read her words and celebrate her accomplishments....she is still accomplishing her goals everyday...

she is real, and motivating and all woman...a woman who cries, a woman who has battled eating issues, a woman who farts...i mean it doesn't get more real than that... right?

it has been almost 2 years since I had meningitis....a bacteria that nearly cost me my life ...so you'd think that i would get off my ass and get going.. celebrate life...enjoy everyday...
unfortunately, that's not real life at my house...
***my number one goal was to be well enough physically and emotionally to get back to work and get back to supporting my family and i did that...it only took me 15 months, but i was finally well enough to go back to work...

***my number 2 goal was to get my diabetes in check... unfortunately meningitis made a mess of my body on the inside and i have been pumping myself with so much insulin that my body was becoming insulin resistant and my sugars were horrifically out of control all the time... BUT !!!! On August 11th of this year when I saw my endocrinologist, she gave me a new drug and where i used to take over 250 units of insulin a day to keep my numbers in the mid teens....i take 1.2 mls of this new drug a day and my sugar has not been over 7 since....they call it the diabetic cure... VICTOZA....
it comes with some side effects that i had to get over... but after about a month or so, i told the doctor that i felt "weird"...she said no Dorrie.. you are feeling normal...this is what normal feels like.. no heart palpitations, or high blood pressure or headaches or always feeling angry....THIS IS NORMAL....
and it's true.. i feel calm and less hungry and off high blood pressure meds.. no heart issues...

***my third goal was to finish something I started last year... i began to run for a 5 k race January 1st...and I started.. I was doing ok at best.. i would puke after a km..could barely life my feet off the ground and after a fall in the parking lot at work, i hurt my knee and hip pretty bad and that was reason enough for me to not do it...
i wasn't ready.. let's be real... 1 year post meningitis.. i wasn't strong enough, my body was not ready for it and unfortunately i didn't have the patience to accept it all ..so i pushed and i hated it...
i really really hated it...

so i continued to watch others...and cheer them on...and never once did i feel sorry for myself...

i'm 40.. i'm a big girl...the decisions i make are my own, i will be ready when i am ready...

and then i talked to my dad a week ago... my dad is a brittle diabetic with severe renal failure...and is on dialysis for 9.5 hours a night every day....he 's dying and he is 60 years old... he wouldn't listen to his body, he wouldn't listen to the doctors and he once told me that he wouldn't talk to me about his issues because he didn't want any uneducated advise... UNEDUCATED ADVISE!!!
ok then...

again i thought i'm 40, i'm a big girl ....the decisions i make are my own and i will be ready when i am ready...

so i came home friday night after working 11 days straight and registered for the Resolution Run on January 1st. i registered.. i paid.. i'm signed up and the next day i tied my new running shoes up and went out the door...
i wasn't a 100 meters out and my shins hurt....i could feel my hips burn....and my lower back was definitely reminding me i had a lower back...lol...and it was slow...26 mins and 46 seconds to walk/run 2.5 kms....

today i am sore and my shins and sore and my back is sore and when i got up this morning i thought ...it's sore because i got exercise...so i got grace ready for the bus and i thought i might change my direction and try to go farther... i can hear my friend Sheri in my head saying"if you've done it, you've done it.. now do something else..move on.. challenge yourself".....but i figured that my time was crappy and although i ran or lightly jogged most of it on saturday.. today i wanted to do better time wise and pick up the pace a little... and i did ..24.56 seconds for the same distance...
my iphone was playing some amazing music...
Jesus Take the Wheel came on and i cried the whole time... i threw my hands in the air and thanked God for getting me up and out and making me feel alive again....i ran the entire song....

so not a huge difference but enough of one that i can see my goal for January 1st... to run my 5 k in about 35 mins. ..

my new meds have kickstarted to weight loss and i lost 5 kgs in the first couple of weeks i was on it...the weight part did stabilize now that i can eat more without feeling sick... so that's where the exercise will start helping...

otherwise, i am grateful to have my own set of cheerleaders and great women who have lead the way and let me ask questions and continue to inspire me...

it's the beginning...and for the first time in a long time... i am proud...to have done it.. and want to continue "doing it"...

2011-02-02T19:29:00.001-08:00

If you really want to do something, you'll find a way. If you don't, you'll find an excuse.

~ Jim Rohn

2011-01-03T08:29:00.001-08:00

i have begun my journey....

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

2010-12-28T08:38:00.000-08:00

so... i know i have been absent...
many reasons...
i can list a bunch of excuses...but there is no real excuse other than an injury and forgetting about myself again.

These past few months have been hard and disappointing in many ways. There is no "prettying" it up. I was on a mission...one that I promised myself and others I would complete. Unfortunately, this will not be the year I get to run in my first 5k race.
A couple of weeks ago, I ran with my best friend and another friend of mine...I think week 4 day 2 of the c25k program...I ran, I puked, I felt horrible during the running and not too bad afterwards.
But I was in A LOT of pain for a few days after and tried to walk my 5 K instead of running but I could barely get my right foot in my running shoe.
So I went and got it looked at and of course I have a stress fracture on the top of my foot and I am to wear an air cast and stay off it as much as I can. I don't wear the cast and I just took it as my way out of running the race.
Honestly, I think that this was the first step in my demise, the beginning of a little depression that set in.
And when I get depressed, I eat...a lot!
I also started working straight days as I take on new responsibility at work. It's been almost 8 years since I have worked 5 days in a row...it's tough.. i'm tired and I think I was trying to prove that I was 100% recovered from a very difficult year.

I'm not sure I was.

And finally 2 weeks ago, I was at work and fell hard in the parking lot. I have hurt my right hip and smashed my knee up pretty good...so now i have a little limp and more to add to my list of excuses.

So as I am 1 week from my 40th birthday, I am searching for myself...I am searching for motivation that comes from within...I am searching for a much happier me.

It's time to no longer make excuses...
It's time to not sit back and be happy for others who are looking after themselves...

It's time to take a good hard look in the mirror and decide that health is THE most important thing to me and my family this year.

no resolutions...i hate resolutions... any one who makes them usually don't keep them...
but i have a few ideas for 2011!!

pray more
spend more time in The Word
focus on myself a little everyday...
spend more time with my real friends.
no more excuses
be smarter
forgive myself
love harder

I could use all the support I can muster up...so if anyone is looking to make some personal changes...let's motivate each other... let's grab hold and say "weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" as we go for a ride.

2010-09-29T07:01:00.000-07:00

i signed up for a 5k on dec 31.. trying to run more and walk less...
sore back and sore shins....
i still hate it...
and i am slower than molasses in january...
but i want to keep going...
i guess that's the best thing that has come out of this...

and my bff Melinda... who also is NOT a runner... decided to join in too!!! i am so excited...
so there are 4 of us training now... (at least that i know of) and i can't wait...
well i can... i mean i have to run 5 k... but that will mean that i made it...
never mind the lbs shed...
1 goal at a time...

time to shower... i am soaked!

up and at 'em...

2010-09-22T09:27:00.000-07:00

well today i had every excuse in the book to lay on the couch...

i am in my 3rd week of training and doing my "gradual return to work"...

i started working later hours...untill 22:00 ...

i am re learning an entirely new system and processes...

it's tough... it's not a cake walk... it's mentally and physically wearing me down...

i am exhausted...

so picture it.. jammies... bags under my eyes.. no bra... turn on the tv.. it's pouring outside...and i see the biggest loser started last night and rob pvr'd it...

i'm about to turn it on...i get a text from a special friend...who wisely tells me to be patient with myself and that basically i'll adapt and that i'll get used to my new normal ...

and i totally agree..

so we chat..

i asked her about running... and i told her i was tired, my couch felt good, it was quiet in the house and it was pouring... so i wondered if i had any excuses left NOT to go out for my couch to 5K walk/run...

and then she told me that i would feel so BAD ASS if i went and ran in the rain...

so i thought about it... for about 2 minutes... went upstairs.. hair up... bra on (very important) and put my new fave tshirt on... and out i went...

results..(according to my pedometer.. it's pretty accurate..i think.. lol)

25 mins

2.21 kms

and even though the rain stopped by the time i got outside... i still felt BAD ASS for getting my FAT ASS out the door...

yep.. good ol fashin sweat....

eye of the tiger?

lol

live strong....live strong.. live strong...

thank you Sheri for getting me out the door...they were the exact right words at the exact right moment and words change people's mind...

and ...i am seriously nervous...

because... ok no one laugh at me..

i just signed up for my first 5k run... Dec 31st...

i am freaked out..

i have made a promise to myself and my friend to compete... and to complete this challenge..

i will do it..

live strong...

live proud...

live well...

i can do it... i can do it..

2010-09-10T06:17:00.000-07:00

down another 2....
slow and steady wins the race...
i love that i am back to work..
routine.. meal planning.. it's forced...
and the fact that we can't eat while we work anymore is a super bonus for me... i used to snack my entire12 hour shift... so this is great!!!!

i have been down on myself a lot for this yo-yo thing...
but i don't beat myself up anymore...
the better the attitude, without regret, the better i do... and the more i want to succeed...

i am getting the water in...
i am planning ahead...
i am writing it down...
i am doing housework until i sweat...

i still love tomatoes....
and i still hate running...

that's my week... now off to work!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-09-02T11:50:00.000-07:00

weigh in day...
lost 1 pound....
i'll take it...
still having a few treats... which i really need to cut back to make sure my sugar stays in tact...

started work.. and i love that we are not allowed to eat unless we are on breaks or lunch...
we used to eat our whole shift.. 12 hours... maybe that's why i was 250lbs...
(see that.. just had a lightbulb moment.. LOL)
oh AND i am in my pre maternity work pants... they are big and they are heavy.. but they fit... without pain... so i am just so motivated by that this week...

found this website... Couch to 5 k
and i hate running... really i do...
but i am going to try it..
you know why?
because i used to hate tomatoes... and now .. I love them... with anything.. on anything...
so.. maybe i might like it..

but we made promises today to do at least 10-15 mins of exercise everyday for a month at our meeting....and I plan on keeping the promise...

does shopping count as exercise??? LOL...

so i am ready for the week...
have my water.. doing better with that for sure..
the eating after 7 part.. still having a bit of a hard time.. but not AS bad..
my sugar has been stable ALL week.,...
and I have been moving, moving, moving...

i feel good though... like i think this is the healthiest i have been in 5 years...
like i feel GREAT!
i'm just still fat.. so slowly but surely... and i'm ok with that..

i'm actually looking forward to this week...

i am looking for good recipes though.. nice .. hardy .. low fat..

i have started making turkey burgers instead of hamburgers... lots of herbs and spices and they are sooooo tasty...
brown rice.. love it.. mix in some black beans, peppers, mushrooms, celery, onions, chili powder...love it... soooo yummy...
and i made stuffed peppers the other night... tomatoes, a little ricotta cheese...brown rice.. spinach... it's just so good...
and i LOVE spaghetti squash... i could totally never eat spaghetti pasta again.. i love it that much...

so there are definitely way to enjoy the food we love without all the extra fat and calories...

i'm pumped today!
thanks for checkin in!
d xo

ohhh the sabotage!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-08-25T07:06:00.000-07:00

whether we do it to oourselves or we walk into it innocently, the art of sabotage is not very complexe!
i cannot tell you the amount of times i have sabotaged myself, and i continue to sabotage myself....
my weight is a direct link to my level of health...
i just had a meeting yesterday at work yesterday.. and they FINALLY approved me to return to work after 15 and a half months... i start on Monday!
this is HUGE for me..
what do i do?
sabotage myself afterwards...east side mario's for lunch.. hot dogs, which i hate by the way, for lunch...
so why eat them?
lips and assholes wrapped up in a tube... i mean seriously.. i have to drown the taste in cheese whiz, ketchup, mustard, onions... and giant buns ... all in an effort to mask the taste for something i HATE to eat..
so why eat them?
yes.. THEM..
2 of them...
i love fresh salad... love the taste, the smell.. so why not have that?
oh hell i have no idea..

but i can't go back to my old way if i expect to stay at work and make this a successful return!

we also have a 21 year old nanny living with us.. and she loves junk food.. chips...bread...all sorts of stuff..
and we buy it for her...
and i eat it too...
and although i have managed to lose a few lbs thes past few weeks.. i think it's more because of my stay in the hospital with my daughter than anything else.. being nervous and no sleep..

in any case, although i haven't gained weight, my sugar is still a bit wonky...

reading through my commitments i made in my last post.. here is how i measured up these past two weeks..
1. i will be following the weight watcher method of eating... and keep a journal of everything I am eating ...FAILED

2. I will be using my fitness pal as guidance as well...FAILED

3. I WILL DRINK THE WATER....seriously it's a huge problem for me... PASS

4. loose 15 lbs (average 2 lbs a week)..SO FAR SO GOOD

5. move move move move move...jillian michaels and my running shoes should be able to help me with this.. FAILED

6. no eating after 7pm... it's the hardest time of the day for me... so the plan is to stay busy... i have been working in my craft room non stop and i am very inspired right now.. so i want to keep that up... OMG FAILED

7.weigh in only once a week...i tossed the scale..so i want to feel good...PASS

8. completely stabilize my sugar FAILED

hmm.. not looking so good..

in all fairness, and i blame noone or nothing but myself... we did just find out gracie was having major surgery and there were a few slight complications and not being home for several days...
it all adds to the real life part of eating but i definitely took the easy way out most of the time...

it's time to buckle up my boots and refocus... AGAIN...and get back on track!
i look in the mirror and i see disappointment.. i get angry...
as i get older, i'm definitely not the woman i used to be...
i don't look the same..
i don't feel the same...

but i am just as stubborn as i always was...
i am just as determined as i always was..
and it's not often that i don't get what i want if i work for it...
i'm just taking the long way around to my destination...the scenic route.. LOL

so here i go.... never giving up....
i have to stop sabotaging myself... and continue to write everything down... it REALLY does make a difference...
and if anyone knows how to get motivated when it comes to exercise.. i don't run... then i would love to hear it...

2010-08-15T06:07:00.000-07:00

so i was doing my morning ritual on facebook...and I came across this page..
of course i joined and found their blog and started to read it..

it's new.. brand new.. maybe a week old or so...
there are 6 women and their stories....you know.. how they got fat and all the excuses we use..
their stats..
and it is all about the next 8 weeks and their own personal weight loss goals...
they all have a different way of trying to achieve their goals AND they all have different weight loss expectations...
go take a look here

so i have been neglectful the past few weeks... last week i didn't even make it to the weigh in... so that's not good..
but i am going to follow along with these ladies and report on my progress..

SOOO....here is my plan for the next 8 weeks...

1. i will be following the weight watcher method of eating... and keep a journal of everything I am eating
2. I will be using my fitness pal as guidance as well
3. I WILL DRINK THE WATER....seriously it's a huge problem for me...
4. loose 15 lbs (average 2 lbs a week)
5. move move move move move...jillian michaels and my running shoes should be able to help me with this..
6. no eating after 7pm... it's the hardest time of the day for me... so the plan is to stay busy... i have been working in my craft room non stop and i am very inspired right now.. so i want to keep that up...
7.weigh in only once a week...i tossed the scale..so i want to feel good...
8. completely stabilize my sugar...

during these 8 weeks... i will have to be dealing with Gracie and her surgery, which will not be easy... and hospitals stays are what started all the fatness to begin with... so... i will make my meals and bring them with me while she is in icu and for the duration of her stay...

i don't have the date yet.. but within this time i will FINALLY be back to work, so I need to stay focused and continue on the way i would if i were home...
make the time for me...
take the time for me..

i have been told that i am self centered...and all i have to say is that people need to watch what they say.. and USUALLY when they criticize things about others, it's because they don't like those qualities about themselves...
so .. call me self centered... but this HAS to be about me now...

so glad i found the site...keep me motivated...
cuz i ain't likin' what i'm seeing...

let's go Ottawa...let's get all cute and healthy!

2010-07-29T10:24:00.000-07:00

well... i took my friend Katie's advice and chucked the scale....

i refuse to look at it everyday...

but .. unfortunatley, I do have to be continuously weighed for my doctors and my return to work agreement...

so ..

i went with my girl Holly for the big "weigh in" this morning and I lost 5 lbs this week!!!!

woohoo!!!

i feel great...

i just need to get the water in!!!

i have a hard time with drinking water all ...day... long...

so I was told to try this..

everytime i go for a pee... go get a drink after...

water out...water in...

that should do the trick..

so here's to week 2 on my new lifestyle plan...

thank you to everyone for the emails and the facebook messages and support throughout my weight loss and jouney to good health! you have no idea how much it means to me!!!

xoxo d.

2010-07-26T08:28:00.000-07:00

My background and circumstances may have influenced who I am, however I am responsible for who I become.
author unknown

ain't that the truth...
never really been fat... but the circumstances of my life for the past few years have led me down this path...
fat is what i am now...
but i am responsible for getting my fat ass out of this mess...

and i am doing it...
counting.. paying attention.. moving... Rob is even getting into it...
it's working...
i feel different...
every ounce of effort counts... every single ounce....

i think it's important to know what you are putting in your mouth.. or at least be conscious of the amount of food you are putting in there...
the key is burning off more calories than you take in, right?
and it doesn't matter how you burn them off...
i sanded an entire master bedroom floor by hand... then washed the floor by hand....
i had sweat in places i never knew you could have sweat...
it all counts...
it all makes a difference...

i wear a pedometer... and it's not to meet and make sure i walk 10,000 steps a day...
it's to keep me aware.. and to make sure that today, i make it a little further than i did yesterday!!!

my sugar is settling down this week.. i feel calmer... and to have a friend walking in the same shoes as i am really does make a huge difference...

i really think this is the hardest thing i have ever done... looking after me..
well.. let the games begin...LOL
d.xo

2010-07-23T06:10:00.000-07:00

my thought for the day....

If we do not change our direction, we are likely to end up where we are headed. - Chinese Proverb

i just give a shout out to my friend holly...
she has led me down a new path...one full of hope and success ... thank you "fwend"...xo

the other thing i wanted to mention is that my friend katie has a new blog calle So Write...she is blogging about her road to healthy living... her post today made me giggle and, like i told her, was the exact right thing to read this morning... read it here... thank you katie...

now..off to the gym...

2010-07-18T20:31:00.000-07:00

calling all fat kids..

so i found this site and you know...
we really are in this together...
i mean...not everyone understands the struggles of being over weight...
do they?
do thin people get it... do they REALLY REALLY get it?
at the end of the day, i am not looking to be thin..
i will never be thin... i want to be healthy...
i want to live a long life...
i want to show my kids an example...and not one of how to change sharps on the end of my insulin injections..hear what i'm saying?

you know what my mother wants? she wants to know how she can take in a size 2... you know.. a size 2...because her pants are getting a bit baggy....i know, i know.. it's rough..
just sayin'!

so now.. i am joining mcfatty mondays...
every monday i will be giving pics, updates... on how my weight loss journey is coming along..
i can tell you that starting this monday...the 19th...i am having a fitness assessment and will be heading to the gym with a personal trainer .. one on one ... 3 times a week...
i am committing to getting my cardio in on the other days...
i am committing to writing everything down that i eat...
i am committing to my daily journal entries to let out my feelings...
i am committing to a healthier way...
i am committing to a friend of mine that we will journey together...

this weekend was a bust.. chips, ice creme, cheezies...popcorn...the list goes on...
my sugar is starting to creep up, so it's back to focusing on the rest of my life... instead of just right now...
my real committment .. is to myself...

i've been reading many weight loss blogs this past week...there are soooo many people like me...
in the same boat..
feeling like shit...
fat..
inactive..
just want things to get better...

we need to join forces...
we need to support each other...
we need to share ideas that work... there are so many success stories.. sometimes we just need to change one little thing, like drink more water, and we shake our system up enough to see results...
we need positive support..

if anyone needs a buddy, or an encouraging word once in a while... just send me an email.. i will be happy to join forces and help each other out...
i need to get back to work...
i am hoping that i will put in enough work in the next couple of weeks to convince my doctors i am ready!
it's mcfatty monday...
here we go!!!!

(i'd love to hear your story.. if you've dropped by...do you read because you are just curious about my fat ass... are you struggling too??? looking for a plus size model?? lmao....)
have an amazing ..committed...and worthwhile week!

d xo

2010-07-08T17:54:00.000-07:00

do i just give up?
i had an appointment at the doctors today...
we talked a lot about stress and weight ...how they co-relate...
how one affects the other...
you know i was listening... i was listening...
and then i just said... you know doc..."i'm fat because i eat too much....i'm pretty sure that's the whole problem..."..."i can take the blame.. i'm not beneath owning up..no need to blow smoke up my ass...."
pretty sure she wasn't expecting that...

she looked at me...grinned (because she was the psychiatrist)...and said... "dorrie...we might be sitting in the wrong chairs"....

but of course, my weight is up a few lbs...that's never a good news story....
but i am heading back to the clinic to meet with the weight management team.. the nutrionist...the beahviourist..
i think it might be an intervention....LOL
i think they may pull out the measuring tape...
i think i might be sick that day...

but my shrink today said in times of stress i should envision one of my favorite places...which is definitely seaside...
envision the sandy beaches..
smell the salty sea air..

i was like .. "what for?... why would me thinking out mojitos on the beach have anything to do with weight loss?"
i guess her point is she wants me to visualize a quiet moment... take 5 minutes a day and just breathe... go someplace else in my mind... renew, refresh... help me relax and get my blood pressure down..and stress makes your sugar go up.. and i have been having sugar issues ....and i refuse to take insulin...REFUSE!!!!!!

so she had me try it..

i had to tell her i was thirsty... all that salty sea water made me thirsty.. lmao

anyway.. maybe next time i'll think about another place.. maybe i'll think about vito's... .it's this awesome restaurant in NB... went there a few times while i was there...
pretty sure that will just make me hungry...
probably just defeat the purpose of the exercise...

i'm thinking i want to give up now..
but i know i just can't fail myself...

for now.. for today... i am proud to get through the day as well as i did..
exercised.. ate not too bad.. and i felt good....
and i laughed A LOT!!

i'm ok today...
d.xo

2010-06-28T07:43:00.000-07:00

well the weekend wasn't a complete bust...

we had gracie's bday party on saturday and i didn't eat all day and then came home and rob made tilapia and coleslaw.. so that was good.

yesterday was more of a gong-show...

went to church for the first time because i actually wanted to go... and then came home, had some friends over for lunch and had hotdogs, sausages and hamburgers...

and diner was pasta..

so not the best choices..

but i was very active..

lots of housework, barely sat down...

but i saw the pics from gracie's party...

and i am so mad at myself...

fat and ugly.. that's totally how i feel about myself...

but it's the truth...

i have avoided pictures for a long time because i was fat...

now... if i waited till i was thin, no one would know what i looked like..

so i get in the pics if people want... and who cares... someday i am hoping to be proud of at least one picture...

it's anew week, and a new roll of film.. so here we go!!!!

d xo

2010-06-25T06:20:00.000-07:00

friday....what does that mean?
nothing really...
just been told by manulife (the company that pays me to stay home) that they want me to go through a summer of shrinks and fitness and get through all of the summers stresses before i head back to work...
i give up...
yesterday i sat with my shrink who hadn't seen me in a few weeks because she was on vacation, told me that she thought i had gained weight...
should she be saying stuff like that?
anyway.. needless to say.. i did tell her that i have my period...so i MUST be bloated...LOL...any excuse for it NOT to be my fault...and as a side note, since i have been sick,my periods are nasty... NASTY...
never in my life have i been able to tell it was coming, no pain, barely bleeding.. nothing...
now... i can barely take 2 steps... i am bitchy... and i just don't want to move...
remind me to send meningitis a card at christmas time, would ya?
good grief...

all that talk about periods to say...
i did go to snap fitness... and i worked out with a trainer... i strongly advise a trainer if you are new at this workout thing... i think it's great when we have all this motivation to get up and get going, but if you have no idea what you're doing... it's great to have some guidance... and someone to push you...
anyway... he was pretty tough.. but i am wayyyyyyy physically stronger than i ever though i was...
i walked 5 minutes to warm up on the treadmill... then he had me start to "jog"...then run... i lasted about 20 mins (which is what he wanted) and ran 2.4 kms...
i was going at a good pace... and then nearly barfed ..lol
i refuse to do the classes because i went to goodlife for a while and it's all the skinny bitches in those pilates classes and fat and pilates do not work out so well.... and although i would ~~swear~~ sweat my ass off.... i just hated it...
but my trainer told me that i should focus on weight loss... everything in moderation... 4 times a week at the gym and lots of everyday stuff in between...
i can do that...
scale reads 220...so i am happy that in the midst of the red sea overflowing and my inability to get my ass to the gym because of all the pain, there are still results...
eating wise.. well i have great success days... and i have great failing moments...
but i eat when i am not hungry and that is mostly the problem...
the other thing that is somewhat keeping me on track... is writing it down!
BUT.. i write it down BEFORE i eat it... so i then decide if i really WANT or NEED what i am about to write down... i change my mind .. A LOT!
i was going to get rob to take some biggest loser pics of me... just not sure i really really want to look at those... but to start with, i have only ever taken head shots.. and sometimes from an angle... so although they are not edited.. and it's really me.. i can hide the rolls... the double chins...
i think i might just do it.. still thinking about that one.. LOL
here's to another weekend of challenges, including gracie's birthday party... i changed my mind and decided to make my own cupcakes... strawberry lemonade... but i secretly wonder if i am making that flavour because they are MY favorite.. or because the kids might like them...
i'll let you know how i do!

2010-06-22T04:40:00.000-07:00

well i don't have much to say for myself today...
i ate crappy all weekend...
i have been travelling almost every weekend for months now...
i am tired and finally it's over for a while...
just had my shake for breakfast...
checked in with the Wii...
BMI is 39.8......eesh not good...
i am aiming for 30....

i am heading over to SNAP fitness... a friend of mine from work, her cousin owns it.. going to hook me up with a trainer...so i am nervous about that...
if i can blog tomorrow, it's because my arms are not dead and i survived my first day...LOL

carry on soldiers!!!!
here we go!!!!

2010-06-18T06:05:00.000-07:00

day 1 complete of mission restart!!!!

i did pretty well yesterday...

i had 2 shakes.. one for breakfast, one for lunch... and then had a small bowl of spanish rice (homemade)..

just pulled out the crockpot...

fried up extra lean ground turkey and mild italian sausage (just the meat , not the actually sausage cassing)

2 cans of diced tomatoes

can of black beans

can of kidney beans

chopped up onion

chilli powder

2 cups brown rice (uncooked)

threw it all together..

only took 2 -3 hours to cook and it was done!

mmmmmm!!!!

hopped on the Wii...

check this out.. this is me...

my weight stayed the same... and this is the advice i received this morning...

so there we have it.. day 1...

how did you do yesterday?

d xo

2010-06-17T07:46:00.000-07:00

well it was only days after my last post on this blog that i fell ill with pneumococcal meinigitis...

after being in icu for several days, i was transfered to a regular room for 2 weeks...

then i was sent home...

i lost a bunch of weight,

when i got home from the hospital i weighed 199... hoy crap, huh!!!!!

even i was shocked...

but i hadn't eaten in almost 3 weeks...

then gained it back with 9 weeks of iv antibiotics...

i was very sick...

very ...

but as close of a call as it was, i went back to the weight management clinic at the end of january...

and i did awesome...

but..

life has handed me a lot of trials and tribulations and i have failed myself in many ways...

i blame nothing and no one but myself...

i got down to 200.5....crazy huh?

well i don't weigh that anymore..

and my sugar is starting to get a little crazy...
i can tell because i am bitchy...and angry all the time...

according to my Wii this morning... i am 224.5

today i have started the program again...

this time i am focused on the end prize..

this time i cannot fail myself again...

this time i have to fight for me...

i have cried a lot today!

i decided to take a self portrait....

so here i am today... i am hoping for a much better picture next time!

if anyone actually reads this blog...i encourage you to get rid of the fat... it has taken up too much of my time and i have wasted too many years like this and the tears everyday are getting old...

i know what i need to do... do you?

Ok...I'm behind...

2009-11-18T04:40:00.001-08:00

this, not mixing scrap and life with weight loss, is hard..
having two blogs is hard...lol

ok so I am getting emails and questions on facebook about how this all works...so i will try and answer all your questions...

i was a fat ass...diabetic, hypertension...off work since June of 09...poking myself with needles 6-8 times a day...huge...not happy ...not good...not living the truth...
my last visit to the hospital by ambulance was the one they pulled me out of work to do.. my collegues had to get me there and it was not pretty....
my doctor told me that if i continued at this pace, i would never see 40...
i had my light bulb moment!

so i am going to a medically supervised (that part is important)weight management clinic at the Ottawa hospital Civic campus and i am on a 1 year diet.
SO far here is what has occured...
oct 3-
i had my orientation
weighed in a 248
BMI 48
met the other 24 people in my group who are on this journey with me..
spoke to the doctor about my goals
yadda yadda yadda..
met the behaviourist..who at one point was 444lbs and has lost all that weight...looks beautiful....very kind/cool lady
met nutritionist..whose name is Mona and is fat and talks in a monotone voice...
went home with the instructions that we are starting the program on Oct 27th

Oct 27th
weighed in a 236...yep lost 12 lbs just by not eating at night, and cutting back...
we got instructions about week 1
1200 calorie diet ...drink milk every meal...meal plan handed out...
explained how week 1 of the shakes was going to work
diet had not officially started yet.. i just chose to start.. i was ready to start...dropped my calorie intake to about 1500 cals a day...
still on all insulin

Nov 3
my first official weigh in...231
BMI not measured
lost 5 lbs on 12oo calorie diet...
received product to get us through to the following week...
4 shakes a day
no other food source allowed
by day 4 i am completely off of insulin
the shakes taste like shit.. I can barely swallow them...
i even survive the luxurious Hockley Valley Resort weekend with giant buffets...i went to Scrapfest U...me and my blender...:)

Nov 10
meeting number 3
first official week of shakes over...
weigh in 220...BMI 46...11 lbs and 2 inches from my waist...GONE!!
no insulin...
this week i am having a harder time.. my blood sugar is dropping to low...one day i even think i am stroking out...so i have to have orange juice 4 mornings in a row...takes me out of my state of non hunger (ketosis)...
doctor calls me...we talk and i have to eat diner for 2 nights...
i also started doing Jillian Michaels "20 min SHRED"...holy cow..
my scale shows no change...it's tough.. no food and no loss...

Nov 17th
meeting 4
weigh in 228...30 lbs...1 month...
BMI not measured
2 more inches from my waist..gone...
so 2 lbs this week...but i did have my period and my sugar went wonky...seems to be better..
to be honest i was disappointed...

As a side note... we go to the hospital every tuesday night as a group...we have lectures for 90 mins, then we all get weighed and measured and see the doctor..
which takes another 90 minutes...

anyway.. i can 't be disappointed with 30 lbs in 4 weeks and down 2 dress sizes!
my pants are falling off...

so 10 more weeks of shakes.. then the food integration...
so no christmas, new years or birthday diners out!!!!!
it was a choice... do or die...i chose not to die and to look better than ever at 40...which is in 13.5 months...LOL

so it's not a fad diet...
doctor monitored... can call if i am having issues anytime...
it is not for the "normal" person...
usually major underlying medical conditions...
the entire program is $8500.00...ontario health pays 5000.00 of it...so it's not cheap...AND if i need to loose even more, then the doctors are the ones who refer to the gastric bypass doctors, who are doing surgery in Ottawa now...

so that's the story so far...
today starts week 3 of shakes... and they really aren't that bad...
my goal..
be insulin and med free forever!
lower colesterol and trigliceride numbers
more energy
goal weight 180
and get back to work!!!!!

peace out!

2009-11-05T05:25:00.001-08:00

Weight Management report.

Nov 3rd was my first official check in (after the first week of a 1200 calorie diet).
I lost 5 lbs.
So far 17lbs and I haven't started the meal replacement yet.
So not bad, very encouraging.
I was psyched!!! I was excited to start the shakes and get going with it.

Then It was here.
Wednesday morning came.
I was scared.
I blended the first one and almost gagged to get it down.
I did what they said. I followed the instructions.
The one at lunch time... just as bad...i added root beer...horrible.
The one at diner...added a pkg of my favorite crystal light to it...oh my god.. i had to down it with about a litre of water.. it was so yucky.
I still had to get another one in but unfortunately, I fell asleep with Gracie last night and didn't drink it.
The sad part... I wasn't hungry...
They were right. It is enough to satisfy you.
It just tastes bad...or an acquired taste that's for sure.

My journey has begun.
I don't like what i have to do, but I am going to love what it gets me.
I know I am going to love it.

I just started drinking my morning shake and it is actually not as bad as yesterday.
This is positive.
Current weight 231
Hooray for my side!

2009-10-30T13:58:00.000-07:00

Well this post is a bit delayed because of illness in the house, but i had my first meeting with my wieght management group on tuesday. nice bunch of ladies...
we met with the dietician who is overweight?!?!? what is that all about?
and we met with our group leader/behaviourist who has lost 200 lbs on the plan..so it's nice to have someone who understands lead the group.
90 minutes of instruction and then 90 mins of weigh ins...
i have started my 1200 calorie diet...and the hardest part is drinking all the water...
we have all been under the weather here, so it hasn't been too hard....
been sleeping most of the day this week...
seriously exhausted...

but my first weight in
236...so a good start from my consult...
this week is the true test though...
my sugar has been crazy .. 18.8 yesterday then dropped to 5...so it's making me a bit crazy why i can't get it under control...
but i have laid off any carbs other than from fruit and veggies..
5 more days and i start the shakes..
i am going to need a few hobbies...lol
12 weeks of vanilla flavoured shakes...
this is what it has come to.
but my will power will conquer any other obstacles that come my way!

2009-10-20T07:23:00.000-07:00

today i was at the civic for blood work and an ECG.
it went ok...
the rn that took my blood had to poke me twice...sheesh..
i decided to be part of a genetic study on obesity.
i won't benefit directly from it, but whatever they can learn about it...i'm all for it...
i got weighed while i was there.
238
so not bad...hasn't been too hard.
I only officially start the plan and program in 1 week from today, but i have been cutting back slowly for 7 days in preparation for the beginning...and it helps..it works...
although i do have remnants of cough and cold and am physically exhausted.

7 days...countdown...
getting scared...but i can do it!
i am READY!

2009-10-17T04:52:00.000-07:00

Saturday October 17th...
this week has not been too bad.
i have stopped eating at night. big change for me. nothing after diner.
portion size is good. drinking water.
this is week 1... making changes and getting ready for the plan to start on Oct 27th.
i am nervous.
i cannot fail.
i will not fail.

current weight 241
lost a few lbs this week, just by making those few changes...
(this is according t my own scale) .. i'll give you an accurate reading when i get my first real weigh-in on the 27th.
my consultion weight was 246.
so i have been sick and not a huge appetite to begin with.
taking less rapid-insulin per meal. base glucose is hovering around 10...has been in the 20's and teen's! this is a good thing.
still taking 70 units of lantus (night time insulin)

good start.

2009-10-13T06:02:00.000-07:00

Today is step 1
October 13th 5-8 at the Civic - Orientation for the weight loss program.
I am really nervous.
i have no idea how i am going to do this.
it's going to be the hardest thing i have done.
ever!
i can't fail...
what if i do?
i won't!
come on dorrie.. get a grip! Happy, healthy... remember...
just remember why i have no choice...
failure is not an option...

big girl panties are on....full steam ahead!

2009-10-06T06:18:00.000-07:00

WEight Management Clinic...
Consultation- Dr bob Dent- Dr Sonia Wickham- October 5/2009
Weight 246
BMI 48
Good muscle mass 129
and have signed up for the opti fast weight program
12 weeks... shakes only 4 x a day..(900 cal/day) then gradual intro to food.
1 x week meeting 5-8pm for 26 weeks...then 1 x a month

gastric bypass consult with Dr Yelle...looking forward to that!
4 mandatory meetings for gastric bypass patients.
blood work getting done
xrays of my foot
ct and mri of stomach

start Tuesday Oct 6.. watch closely sugar and calory intake..