so this is my new profile pic on Facebook...
it hurts..
it definitely takes time..
i am dedicated...
i have willpower....
i am making healthy decisions....
i a sacrificing a lot.. money, time with family...
i am pushing my body like it has never been pushed before...
and I KNOW WHEN I REACH MY GOAL,it will DEFINITELY BE WORTH IT!!!!!!!!!!

week 8...
weight 209
29 lbs lost
31 inches gone from head to toe!
BMI is 41.2 (was 49.8)
training everyday except for weekends I work...

i have been frustrated because i get weighed in after 2 hours of training and they tell me i've gone up a lb, sometimes more... i even cried in the truck one day....
but then on my rest days i weigh in and i've lost 5 lbs..
my councillors at Herbal Magic tell me that it is the "tear and repair" issues with strength training, and try to have me focus on my lowered BMI or inches lost...
it doesn't make sense and for someone who is number focused, i am not trying to focus on the weight, rather on the way i feel and my gaining strength... but it's hard...
i NEED the numbers to go down.. this, unfortunately is how i stay motivated...

but overall i am pleased and doing the very best i can everyday to make sure i reach my goals...
people criticize that i am working too hard, or doing too  much...
but i do what i can and rest when i have too...

it's a journey and balance is the one thing i know i have to work on...
but i feel amazing and am proud of myself for the the first time is a very long time...

week number 9.. HERE I COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am starting my 7th week with my weight loss journey, and i am full steam ahead...

the month of may this year is going to be a monumental one...
i am applying at the fire department and getting ready for one of the biggest adventures of my life....both mentally and physically...i have a lot to prove to myself and i feel amazing and proud for the first time in my entire life...

i go to the gym at least 4 times a week, i am trying all kinds of different things and feeling pain in parts of my body that i never knew could feel pain... lol...it's crazy to think that this is my life...
i used to be that person that watched Biggest Loser with a bowl of popcorn and a diet Coke... now I "am" that person...less the popcorn and pop...

i have cut a lot of things out of my diet, not because i HAVE to, rather because i want to...like aspartame that will just eventually make us all stupid.... and refined sugars which are a killer for people with Diabetes....baby steps... i can only do one thing at a time, let it be my new normal and then tackle something else...

i was having a hard time at night this week with hunger issues, but instead of eating anything and everything i could get my hands on, i tried almonds, walnuts and sometime just a bowl of strawberries did the trick...i know i really shouldn't eat the sweet stuff at night, but again, baby steps...it's a much better choice than anything i would have done in the past.

so off i go.. lucky week number 7... i have successfully lost 2.5 bags of potatoes....

i have to stop at our corporate uniform store too because i have to change my work pants... people commented yesterday that i had droopy bum again...and get this!! i put on a work shirt from 2004! size 17 neck! i haven't done that since before I was pregnant with Grace...
it's the little things that get me excited...

you know what doesn't get me excited? droopy boobs... good grief....why is it i can tighten every muscle in my body but the boobs turn into long tube sicks with knobs on the end? *sigh*

i have received some pretty fantastic emails from my friends telling how proud they are of me, and that they are happy "old" happy Dorrie is back in town....( i try to ignore the old part...lol).....i still have a long road ahead, but it's definitely the encouragement from others and kinds words that get me through each successful day....
i love you
and i thank you
always!
xo

Taking the Wins with the Loses

this has been a week of mixed emotions...

i have been successful on the scale and yet felt a bit defeated at the gym...

i just lost my 20th lb in 4.5 weeks....23.5 inches from head to toe....and i am thrilled...i feel great!!!! 

i've dropped uniform sizes, people can tell a little and are commenting on my successes....

i have never looked for pats on the back or my name in lights anywhere, but i'll tell ya, it sure does feel nice once in a while...i was told by someone once that i was self centred and selfish, and i believed her...but i now know that i am neither of those things, and sometimes people say things because their own life is miserable...and i am a firm believer that we teach people how to treat us, and i will never all anyone to treat me like that again...and thankfully that person is not in my life anymore...and i am taking control of my life, making sure that i am here for a long time and looking after my family and if that makes me selfish, then i'm the most selfish person ever....

i joined Goodlife Fitness and last thursday was my first day there. i was met by my friend Katie who ran me through the fit-fix...it's a strength workout that says all over the place should take about 20  mins to complete but i think we were there for over an hour going through each of the machines after our 5 mins warm up....it was my first day, i didn't use too much weight and i learned how to properly use the machines....it was great...Katie has been an amazing inspiration and when she had her turn on the machines, i could only wish to look like that someday....i so appreciate her insight and friendship....amazing!!!!

feeling ambitious, i went back on friday and did a 45 min pump class and a 30 min CXWorx class....and although i did not die, at the end, i was finished....the pump class was so amazing.. i felt powerful and even shed a few tears of pride....the music is phenomenal and it makes you feel invincible...

CXWORX is a core work out with bands and crunches and omg.....so not for a beginner .. but i did it and i did like it.. i just think the next time, i'll do it on it's own....

i worked nights all weekend and last minute monday night I went to the gym with my friend Kim who convinces me that this RPM spinning class would be a fantastic addition to my workout regime. i had not even sat on the bike and i knew that this was all wrong for me.... calves were cramping , my hoo-haw was burning after the first few movements on the bike, my toes went numb ....i sweat... oh yes i did... and i lasted till the end of the 50 mins of hell but i'm not sure that this is the right class for me... i didn't enjoy it at all.....so i felt defeated here... defeated by a crotch pounding bike....i looked new in the class, i felt like i failed there and i know it was only my first time, but everyone came out of that class excited except me....i pulled muscles in the back of my knee and still today it's very painful.....but the only way i will stay motivated is if i enjoy the class, and i know everyone thinks this class is fantastic, but i will try some of the other ones and see where i can fit it in to my busy schedule...

but i am enjoying the gym , which surprises me a little....the feeling or the "high" you get from it when you are done is crazy....i've never really belonged to a gym before and knowing that i have extremely supportive friends that will make sure i go, makes me feel like i can really reach the fitness the goals i am setting out to achieve...

so that is my last week of redefining myself.....

and I do have to mention another friend who joined Herbal Magic a few days before me....I won't say her name but she has lost over 22lbs and is going to the gym too....and i figure between the two of us we have lost an entire "Grace"...my daughter weighs 40++ lbs.... 

we do a check in at every weigh in and encourage each other to carry on.. and i am so very very thankful for her.... so thankful....

so i am off to work another couple of night shifts and and hopefully with a few days off my knee can heal and i'll be back at 'er on Friday!!!!

Here are a few numbers...

Starting weight 238

Current weight 218

Inches lost  23.5 at the end of 4 weeks

Sugar 6.0 average

Insulin taken 0

Blood pressure 120/75

Times at the gym  4 in the first week

I'd say i'm doing ok.....

xo 

   

it's amazing really the job that i have...
i love it...
it has it's absolute crazy moments, there is sadness and anger at what some people do to themselves and each other...
throughout the course of a 12 hour shift, i experience many emotions...
and let's be real here, i am an emotional eater...

i get 2 15 minute breaks and 2 30 minute lunches per shift and you'd have thought that i had to stuff every single calorie i could find in my mouth during that time or i wouldn't survive the rest of the shift.
lunch time usually involved a trip to Wendy's or subway or McDonald's...easy, fast and never ever made me feel good.. yet I did it anyway...and I have been doing this job for 7.5 years.

today i am a different person...
i take into consideration my breaks and lunches and carefully calculate and measure all portions for my entire day at work...i don't bring  my debit card..i don't bring money....
i have completely changed my behaviour towards food...

and the best part is that i am completely satisfied.

the slightest modifications sometimes make the best and most amazing impacts in our daily lives.
i am still at that point right now where i am afraid to go and eat out because of all the oils and and sodium and sugar that i have taken out of my diet...i just have to learn how to order things i imagine...

i have been on Herbal Magic for 3 weeks now and I have lost 14 lbs...I only had a chance to weigh in last tuesday (so i'm not sure if there are any other decreases...but i can tell a little that there may be :) ).
i normally weigh in 3-4 times a week to make sure i keep on track, but with work and shifts and overtime and training sessions all this week, it's been insane..
but i have kept to the plan  and i am proud to be where i am...

since having Grace, this has been one of the most difficult things to deal with... i hate the fat...
i try to accept myself the way i am, but i have never accepted it....now i have taken the steps to make it better not only for today, but for always...

i went down a pant size at work, and i picked up new ones.... the old ones were immediately disposed of... there is no going back...
i feel better than i have in a long time....

oh and one of my goals this year is to do the testing for Ottawa Fire... they test every two years, and applications start in May...physical testing is in November....so i may be calling on a friend to help me out here, but i have to increase my upper body strength and my cardio if i even want a shot at not looking like a jackass...lol....

thank you for the emails and support... i so appreciate it...
xo

quietly plugging away

i've been quiet..
i had been struggling....

but i am succeeding and am winning the fight...

no longer on diabetic medication.....
my last set of blood samples no longer indicated i was a diabetic...completely normal!

my weight is going in the right direction...

and although i have spinal injuries from meningitis in 2009, i am getting dressed everyday, i am out walking all the time, i get dressed even on my days off and get out of the house and i read a very special person's blog all the time to keep me motivated...

i have to be honest, i can't eat the stuff she eats..lol...and i will most likely never run a marathon but i read and watch quietly and do what i can to stay motivated.

 i really wanted to run...i was going to get a tattoo with my first bib number on it ....i registered and picked up my kit for the resolution run dec 2011 and the number was perfect ...2712....71 is my birth year and 22 has always been a great number for me....unfortunately, training for the 5 k (i'm sure some of you remember my stupid videos..lol) i started to hear crunching sounds in my upper neck...after a ct and mri, it was determined that i have disks that were damaged by the meningitis and the pounding and the weight caused more damage....i had an option.. keep running and hope i don't end up in a wheelchair, or find something else to do...i chose the later...
but i will still register for race weekend for the 3km walk...i'm down, but not out...

the eating part is easy now.  i belong to herbal magic...i get weighed in almost everyday and am provided counselling and one on one real time with an eating expert... they are educated with medical issues and you eat real food from the kitchen.. just portioned right and a little more often throughout the day...
i tipped the scales at my highest weight ever not too long ago, but i am proud to say that i am doing great, losing the weight, and proud of every ounce of weight i keep off....this week alone i am doing 7,2lbs...
i no longer have cravings at night, my blood sugar is stable and i feel calm all day long...it's a different life...completely different.

i have stopped hiding and started going out more and enjoying every day, the sunshine and embracing life with a new attitude...

not perfect....but trying....

I want to teach my children that their mom is a fighter...and when the going gets rough, the rough does not head for the refrigerator anymore....we go out, grab the iPod and walk the frustrations away..and we pray for guidance...

quietly plugging away...

Pushing Through...

so I have been out 5 times so far in about a 2 week span... I had to take 4 days off because of a bad chest cold. I had actually gone out running when the cold had started and felt horrible. The doctor recommended I take it easy and heal then get back at it..
And that's what I have done..

Yesterday was my first day back and I decided to walk to entire 5 kms.  I want to see how long it was and mapped out a path that would get me home at the exact 5 kms mark.... of course, I failed to think of the hills and construction.. but I did it.. I can say that I lightly jogged a few times to see how I felt, but for the most part I walked it and it took me about an hour.
I have 3 months to train for my first ever 5km run on January 1st...
I get nervous just thinking about it...

I am off to the doctors today for a check up and for her to listen to my lungs and get my knees x-ray'd...I'm having some issues with them...
The thing about me though is that once I get an idea in my head and I mean it.. I go for it...
Even if my knees hurt and are swollen and even if I have a cold...

So my goal in the next 2 weeks is to be able to pick up the pace...go a little further while running...
I am also looking into the gym... a friend of mine told me that if my core was stronger, that I would feel better.... so I am looking into that. I really like the Athletic club.. they have pools and I would love to be able to do some swimming and aqua aerobics!!!
I'm still not so sure Yoga is for fat people, but I have another hot yoga friend of mine who has decided it's her mission to get me in a class....umm.. we'll see about that...

I have also sat down and planned out meals and counted calories...
Being sick was tough to stay focused, but for the most part, I did ok...

SO I'm back, still have a runny nose and a cough, but I feel much better and am even back to work...so here I go...

If you are on my Facebook, I had started a little series of videos while I was out running....but then, I watched myself  after I received emails from people telling me how brave I was for doing that...
Umm.. I look like crap and can't believe I did that, so I'm not sure I will continue them, but I am documenting every step to remind me how hard this really is...
Because this is hard...
No pills can fix it..
No magic surgery...
No denying it...

It's really freakin hard....but it's all I can think about...

so for all those who are just starting to smarten up or get started in their own way.. I send you hugs and heating pads and a little A535...let's get 'er done!!!!

no picture..
no excuses...
no more...
this is it..
my real journey to health and wellness has begun....

for almost a year I have read and watched as my friend Katie has taken her life by the reigns and soared to heights that are truly amazing.. I have read and I have watched...in awwwe of her..
everyday I would cheer from the computer and read her words and celebrate her accomplishments....she is still accomplishing her goals everyday...

she is real, and motivating and all woman...a woman who cries, a woman who has battled eating issues, a woman who farts...i mean it doesn't get more real than that... right?

it has been almost 2 years since I had meningitis....a bacteria that nearly cost me my life ...so you'd think that i would get off my ass and get going.. celebrate life...enjoy everyday...
unfortunately, that's not real life at my house...
***my number one goal was to be well enough physically and emotionally to get back to work and get back to supporting my family and i did that...it only took me 15 months, but i was finally well enough to go back to work...

***my number 2 goal was to get my diabetes in check... unfortunately meningitis made a mess of my body on the inside and i have been pumping myself with so much insulin that my body was becoming insulin resistant and my sugars were horrifically out of control all the time... BUT !!!! On August 11th of this year when I saw my endocrinologist, she gave me a new drug and where i used to take over 250 units of insulin a day to keep  my numbers in the mid teens....i take 1.2 mls of this new drug a day and my sugar has not been over 7 since....they call it the diabetic cure... VICTOZA....
it comes with some side effects that i had to get over... but after about a month or so, i told the doctor that i felt "weird"...she said no Dorrie.. you are feeling normal...this is what normal feels like.. no heart palpitations, or high blood pressure or headaches or always feeling angry....THIS IS NORMAL....
and it's true.. i feel calm and less hungry and  off high blood pressure meds.. no heart issues...

***my third goal was to finish something I started last year... i began to run for a 5 k race January 1st...and I started.. I was doing ok at best.. i would puke after a km..could barely life my feet off the ground and after a fall in the parking lot at work, i hurt my knee and hip pretty bad and that was reason enough for me to not do it...
i wasn't ready.. let's be real... 1 year post meningitis.. i wasn't strong enough, my body was not ready for it and unfortunately i didn't have the patience to accept it all ..so i pushed and i hated it...
i really really hated it...

so i continued to watch others...and cheer them on...and never once did i feel sorry for myself...

i'm 40.. i'm a big girl...the decisions i make are my own, i will be ready when i am ready...

and then i talked to my dad a week ago... my dad is a brittle diabetic with severe renal failure...and is on dialysis for 9.5 hours a night every day....he 's dying and he is 60 years old... he wouldn't listen to his body, he wouldn't listen to the doctors and he once told me that he wouldn't talk to me about his issues because he didn't want any uneducated advise... UNEDUCATED ADVISE!!!
ok then...

again i thought i'm 40, i'm a big girl ....the decisions i make are my own and i will be ready when i am ready...

so i came home friday night after working 11 days straight and registered for the Resolution Run on January 1st.  i registered.. i paid.. i'm signed up and the next day i tied my new running shoes up and went out the door...
 i wasn't a 100 meters out and my shins hurt....i could feel my hips burn....and my lower back was definitely reminding me i had a lower back...lol...and it was slow...26 mins and 46 seconds  to walk/run 2.5 kms....

today i am sore and my shins and sore and my back is sore and when i got up this morning i thought ...it's sore because i got exercise...so i got grace ready for the bus and i thought i might change my direction and try to go farther... i can hear my friend Sheri in my head saying"if you've done it, you've done it.. now do something else..move on.. challenge yourself".....but i figured that my time was crappy and although i ran or lightly jogged most of it on saturday.. today i wanted to do better time wise and pick up the pace a little... and i did ..24.56 seconds for the same distance...
my iphone was playing some amazing music...
Jesus Take the Wheel came on and i cried the whole time... i threw my hands in the air and thanked God for getting me up and out and making me feel alive again....i ran the entire song....

so not a huge difference but enough of one that i can see my goal for January 1st... to run my 5 k in about 35 mins. ..

my new meds have kickstarted to weight loss and i lost 5 kgs in the first couple of weeks i was on it...the weight part did stabilize now that i can eat more without feeling sick... so that's where the exercise will start helping...

otherwise, i am grateful to have my own set of cheerleaders and great women who have lead the way and let me ask questions and continue to inspire me...

it's the beginning...and for the first time in a long time... i am proud...to have done it.. and want to continue "doing it"...