i have begun my journey....

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

so... i know i have been absent...
many reasons...
i can list a bunch of excuses...but there is no real excuse other than an injury and forgetting about myself again.

These past few months have been hard and disappointing in many ways. There is no "prettying" it up. I was on a mission...one that I promised myself and others I would complete. Unfortunately, this will not be the year I get to run in my first 5k race.
A couple of weeks ago, I ran with my best friend and another friend of mine...I think week 4 day 2 of the c25k program...I ran, I puked, I felt horrible during the running and not too bad afterwards.
But I was in A LOT of pain for a few days after and tried to walk my 5 K instead of running but I could barely get my right foot in my running shoe.
So I went and got it looked at and of course I have a stress fracture on the top of my foot and I am to wear an air cast and stay off it as much as I can. I don't wear the cast and I just took it as my way out of running the race.
Honestly, I think that this was the first step in my demise, the beginning of a little depression that set in.
And when I get depressed, I eat...a lot!
I also started working straight days as I take on new responsibility at work. It's been almost 8 years since I have worked 5 days in a row...it's tough.. i'm tired and I think I was trying to prove that I was 100% recovered from a very difficult year.

I'm not sure I was.

And finally 2 weeks ago, I was at work and fell hard in the parking lot. I have hurt my right hip and smashed my knee up pretty good...so now i have a little limp and more to add to my list of excuses.

So as I am 1 week from my 40th birthday, I am searching for myself...I am searching for motivation that comes from within...I am searching for a much happier me.

It's time to no longer make excuses...
It's time to not sit back and be happy for others who are looking after themselves...

It's time to take a good hard look in the mirror and decide that health is THE most important thing to me and my family this year.

no resolutions...i hate resolutions... any one who makes them usually don't keep them...
but i have a few ideas for 2011!!

pray more
spend more time in The Word
focus on myself a little everyday...
spend more time with my real friends.
no more excuses
be smarter
forgive myself
love harder

I could use all the support I can muster up...so if anyone is looking to make some personal changes...let's motivate each other... let's grab hold and say "weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" as we go for a ride.

i signed up for a 5k on dec 31.. trying to run more and walk less...
sore back and sore shins....
i still hate it...
and i am slower than molasses in january...
but i want to keep going...
i guess that's the best thing that has come out of this...

and my bff Melinda... who also is NOT a runner... decided to join in too!!! i am so excited...
so there are 4 of us training now... (at least that i know of) and i can't wait...
well i can... i mean i have to run 5 k... but that will mean that i made it...
never mind the lbs shed...
1 goal at a time...

time to shower... i am soaked!

up and at 'em...

well today i had every excuse in the book to lay on the couch...

i am in my 3rd week of training and doing my "gradual return to work"...

i started working later hours...untill 22:00 ...

i am re learning an entirely new system and processes...

it's tough... it's not a cake walk... it's mentally and physically wearing me down...

i am exhausted...

so picture it.. jammies... bags under my eyes.. no bra... turn on the tv.. it's pouring outside...and i see the biggest loser started last night and rob pvr'd it...

i'm about to turn it on...i get a text from a special friend...who wisely tells me to be patient with myself and that basically i'll adapt and that i'll get used to my new normal ...

and i totally agree..

so we chat..

i asked her about running... and i told her i was tired, my couch felt good, it was quiet in the house and it was pouring... so i wondered if i had any excuses left NOT to go out for my couch to 5K walk/run...

and then she told me that i would feel so BAD ASS if i went and ran in the rain...

so i thought about it... for about 2 minutes... went upstairs.. hair up... bra on (very important) and put my new fave tshirt on... and out i went...

results..(according to my pedometer.. it's pretty accurate..i think.. lol) 

25 mins 

2.21 kms

and even though the rain stopped by the time i got outside... i still felt BAD ASS for getting my FAT ASS out the door...

yep.. good ol fashin sweat....

eye of the tiger?

lol

live strong....live strong.. live strong...

thank you Sheri for getting me out the door...they were the exact right words at the exact right moment and words change people's mind...

and ...i am seriously nervous...

 because... ok no one laugh at me.. 

 i just signed up for my first 5k run... Dec 31st...

i am freaked out..

i have made a promise to myself and my friend to compete... and to complete this challenge..

i will do it..

live strong...

live proud...

live well...

i can do it... i can do it..

down another 2....
slow and steady wins the race...
i love that i am back to work..
routine.. meal planning.. it's forced...
and the fact that we can't eat while we work anymore is a super bonus for me... i used to snack my entire12 hour shift... so this is great!!!!

i have been down on myself a lot for this yo-yo thing...
but i don't beat myself up anymore...
the better the attitude, without regret, the better i do... and the more i want to succeed...

i am getting the water in...
i am planning ahead...
i am writing it down...
i am doing housework until i sweat...

i still love tomatoes....
and i still hate running...

that's my week... now off to work!!!!!!!!!!!!

weigh in day...
lost  1 pound....
i'll take it...
still having a few treats... which i really need to cut back to make sure my sugar stays in tact...

started work.. and i love that we are not allowed to eat unless we are on breaks or lunch...
we used to eat our whole shift.. 12 hours... maybe that's why i was 250lbs...
(see that.. just had a lightbulb moment.. LOL)
oh AND i am in my pre maternity work pants... they are big and they are heavy.. but they fit... without pain... so i am just so motivated by that this week...

found this website... Couch to 5 k
and i hate running... really i do...
but i am going to try it..
you know why?
because i used to hate tomatoes... and now .. I love them... with anything.. on anything...
so.. maybe i might like it..

but we made promises today to do at least 10-15 mins of exercise everyday for a month at our meeting....and I plan on keeping the promise...

does shopping count as exercise??? LOL...

so i am ready for the week...
have my water.. doing better with that for sure..
the eating after 7 part.. still having a bit of a hard time.. but not AS bad..
my sugar has been stable ALL week.,...
and I have been moving, moving, moving...

i feel good though... like i think this is the healthiest i have been in 5 years...
like i feel GREAT!
i'm just still fat.. so slowly but surely... and i'm ok with that..

i'm actually looking forward to this week...

i am looking for good recipes though.. nice .. hardy .. low fat..

i have started making turkey burgers instead of hamburgers... lots of  herbs and spices and they are sooooo tasty...
brown rice.. love it.. mix in some black beans, peppers, mushrooms, celery, onions, chili powder...love it... soooo yummy...
and i made stuffed peppers the other night... tomatoes, a little ricotta cheese...brown rice.. spinach... it's just so good...
and i LOVE spaghetti squash... i could totally never eat spaghetti pasta again.. i love it that much...

so there are definitely way to enjoy the food we love without all the extra fat and calories...

i'm pumped today!
thanks for checkin in!
d xo

ohhh the sabotage!!!!!!!!!!!!

whether we do it to oourselves or we walk into it innocently, the art of sabotage is not very complexe!
i cannot tell you the amount of times i have sabotaged myself, and i continue to sabotage myself....
my weight is a direct link to my level of health...
i just had a meeting yesterday at work yesterday.. and they FINALLY approved me to return to work after 15 and a half months... i start on Monday!
this is HUGE for me..
what do i do?
sabotage myself afterwards...east side mario's for lunch.. hot dogs, which i hate by the way, for lunch...
so why eat them?
lips and assholes wrapped up in a tube... i mean seriously.. i have to drown the taste in cheese whiz, ketchup, mustard, onions... and giant buns ... all in an effort to mask the taste for something i HATE to eat..
so why eat them?
yes.. THEM..
2 of them...
i love fresh salad... love the taste, the smell.. so why not have that?
oh hell i have no idea..

but i can't go back to my old way if i expect to stay at work and make this a successful return!

we also have a 21 year old nanny living with us.. and she loves junk food.. chips...bread...all sorts of stuff..
and we buy it for her...
and i eat it too...
and although i have managed to lose a few lbs thes past few weeks.. i think it's more because of my stay in the hospital with my daughter than anything else.. being nervous and no sleep..

in any case, although i haven't gained weight, my sugar is still a bit wonky...

reading through my commitments i made in my last post.. here is how i measured up these past two weeks..
1. i will be following the weight watcher method of eating... and keep a journal of everything I am eating ...FAILED


2. I will be using my fitness pal as guidance as well...FAILED

3. I WILL DRINK THE WATER....seriously it's a huge problem for me... PASS

4. loose 15 lbs (average 2 lbs a week)..SO FAR SO GOOD

5. move move move move move...jillian michaels and my running shoes should be able to help me with this.. FAILED

6. no eating after 7pm... it's the hardest time of the day for me... so the plan is to stay busy... i have been working in my craft room non stop and i am very inspired right now.. so i want to keep that up... OMG FAILED

7.weigh in only once a week...i tossed the scale..so i want to feel good...PASS

8. completely stabilize my sugar FAILED
 
hmm.. not looking so good..
 
in all fairness, and i blame noone or nothing but myself... we did just find out gracie was having major surgery and there were a few slight complications and not being home for several days...
it all adds to the real life part of eating but i definitely took the easy way out most of the time...
 
it's time to buckle up my boots and refocus... AGAIN...and get back on track!
i look in the mirror and i see disappointment.. i get angry...
as i get older, i'm definitely not the woman i used to be...
i don't look the same..
i don't feel the same...
 
but i am just as stubborn as i always was...
i am just as determined as i always was..
and it's not often that i don't get what i want if i work for it...
i'm just taking the long way around to my destination...the scenic route.. LOL
 
so here i go.... never giving up....
i have to stop sabotaging myself... and continue to write everything down... it REALLY does make a difference...
and if anyone knows how to get motivated when it comes to exercise.. i don't run... then i would love to hear it...