ohhh the sabotage!!!!!!!!!!!!

whether we do it to oourselves or we walk into it innocently, the art of sabotage is not very complexe!
i cannot tell you the amount of times i have sabotaged myself, and i continue to sabotage myself....
my weight is a direct link to my level of health...
i just had a meeting yesterday at work yesterday.. and they FINALLY approved me to return to work after 15 and a half months... i start on Monday!
this is HUGE for me..
what do i do?
sabotage myself afterwards...east side mario's for lunch.. hot dogs, which i hate by the way, for lunch...
so why eat them?
lips and assholes wrapped up in a tube... i mean seriously.. i have to drown the taste in cheese whiz, ketchup, mustard, onions... and giant buns ... all in an effort to mask the taste for something i HATE to eat..
so why eat them?
yes.. THEM..
2 of them...
i love fresh salad... love the taste, the smell.. so why not have that?
oh hell i have no idea..

but i can't go back to my old way if i expect to stay at work and make this a successful return!

we also have a 21 year old nanny living with us.. and she loves junk food.. chips...bread...all sorts of stuff..
and we buy it for her...
and i eat it too...
and although i have managed to lose a few lbs thes past few weeks.. i think it's more because of my stay in the hospital with my daughter than anything else.. being nervous and no sleep..

in any case, although i haven't gained weight, my sugar is still a bit wonky...

reading through my commitments i made in my last post.. here is how i measured up these past two weeks..
1. i will be following the weight watcher method of eating... and keep a journal of everything I am eating ...FAILED


2. I will be using my fitness pal as guidance as well...FAILED

3. I WILL DRINK THE WATER....seriously it's a huge problem for me... PASS

4. loose 15 lbs (average 2 lbs a week)..SO FAR SO GOOD

5. move move move move move...jillian michaels and my running shoes should be able to help me with this.. FAILED

6. no eating after 7pm... it's the hardest time of the day for me... so the plan is to stay busy... i have been working in my craft room non stop and i am very inspired right now.. so i want to keep that up... OMG FAILED

7.weigh in only once a week...i tossed the scale..so i want to feel good...PASS

8. completely stabilize my sugar FAILED
 
hmm.. not looking so good..
 
in all fairness, and i blame noone or nothing but myself... we did just find out gracie was having major surgery and there were a few slight complications and not being home for several days...
it all adds to the real life part of eating but i definitely took the easy way out most of the time...
 
it's time to buckle up my boots and refocus... AGAIN...and get back on track!
i look in the mirror and i see disappointment.. i get angry...
as i get older, i'm definitely not the woman i used to be...
i don't look the same..
i don't feel the same...
 
but i am just as stubborn as i always was...
i am just as determined as i always was..
and it's not often that i don't get what i want if i work for it...
i'm just taking the long way around to my destination...the scenic route.. LOL
 
so here i go.... never giving up....
i have to stop sabotaging myself... and continue to write everything down... it REALLY does make a difference...
and if anyone knows how to get motivated when it comes to exercise.. i don't run... then i would love to hear it...