well the weekend wasn't a complete bust...

we had gracie's bday party on saturday and i didn't eat all day and then came home and rob made tilapia and coleslaw.. so that was good.

yesterday was more of a gong-show...

went to church for the first time because i actually wanted to go... and then came home, had some friends over for lunch and had hotdogs, sausages and hamburgers...

and diner was pasta..

so not the best choices..

but i was very active..

lots of housework, barely sat down...

but i saw the pics from gracie's party...

and i am so mad at myself...

fat and ugly.. that's totally how i feel about myself...

but it's the truth...

i have avoided pictures for a long time because i was fat...

now... if i waited till i was thin, no one would know what i looked like..

so i get in the pics if people want... and who cares... someday i am hoping to be proud of at least one picture...

it's anew week, and a new roll of film.. so here we go!!!!

d xo

friday....what does that mean?
nothing really...
just been told by manulife (the company that pays me to stay home) that they want me to go through a summer of shrinks and fitness and get through all of the summers stresses before i head back to work...
i give up...
yesterday i sat with my shrink who hadn't seen me in a few weeks because she was on vacation, told me that she thought i had gained weight...
should she be saying stuff like that?
anyway.. needless to say.. i did tell her that i have my period...so i MUST be bloated...LOL...any excuse for it NOT to be my fault...and as a side note, since i have been sick,my periods are nasty... NASTY...
never in my life have i been able to tell it was coming, no pain, barely bleeding.. nothing...
now... i can barely take 2 steps... i am bitchy... and i just don't want to move...
remind me to send meningitis a card at christmas time, would ya?
good grief...

all that talk about periods to say...
i did go to snap fitness... and i worked out with a trainer... i strongly advise a trainer if you are new at this workout thing... i think it's great when we have all this motivation to get up and get going, but if you have no idea what you're doing... it's great to have some guidance... and someone to push you...
anyway... he was pretty tough.. but i am wayyyyyyy physically stronger than i ever though i was...
i walked 5 minutes to warm up on the treadmill... then he had me start to "jog"...then run... i lasted about 20 mins (which is what he wanted) and ran 2.4 kms...
i was going at a good pace... and then nearly barfed ..lol
i refuse to do the classes because i went to goodlife for a while and it's all the skinny bitches in those pilates classes and fat and pilates do not work out so well.... and although i would swear sweat my ass off.... i just hated it...
but my trainer told me that i should focus on weight loss... everything in moderation... 4 times a week at the gym and lots of everyday stuff in between...
i can do that...
scale reads 220...so i am happy that in the midst of the red sea overflowing and my inability to get my ass to the gym because of all the pain, there are still results...
eating wise.. well i have great success days... and i  have great failing moments...
but i eat when i am not hungry and that is mostly the problem...
the other thing that is somewhat keeping me on track... is writing it down!
BUT.. i write it down BEFORE i eat it... so i then decide if i really WANT or NEED what i am about to write down... i change my mind .. A LOT!
i was going to get rob to take some biggest loser pics of me... just not sure i really really want to look at those... but to start with, i have only ever taken head shots.. and sometimes from an angle... so although they are not edited.. and it's really me.. i can hide the rolls... the double chins...
i think i might just do it.. still thinking about that one.. LOL
here's to another weekend of challenges, including gracie's birthday party... i changed my mind and decided to make my own cupcakes... strawberry lemonade... but i secretly wonder if i am making that flavour because they are MY favorite.. or because the kids might like them...
i'll let you know how i do!

well i don't have much to say for myself today...
i ate crappy all weekend...
i have been travelling almost every weekend for months now...
i am tired and finally it's over for a while...
just had my shake for breakfast...
checked in with the Wii...
BMI is 39.8......eesh not good...
i am aiming for 30....

i am heading over to SNAP fitness... a friend of mine from work, her cousin owns it.. going to hook me up with a trainer...so i am nervous about that...
if i can blog tomorrow, it's because my arms are not dead and i survived my first day...LOL

carry on soldiers!!!!
here we go!!!!

day 1 complete of mission restart!!!!

i did pretty well yesterday...

i had 2 shakes.. one for breakfast, one for lunch... and then had a small bowl of spanish rice (homemade)..

just pulled out the crockpot...

fried up extra lean ground turkey and mild italian sausage (just the meat , not the actually sausage cassing)

2 cans of diced tomatoes

can of black beans

can of kidney beans

chopped up onion

chilli powder

2 cups brown rice (uncooked)

threw it all together..

only took 2 -3 hours to cook and it was done!

mmmmmm!!!!

hopped on the Wii...

check this out.. this is me...

my weight stayed the same... and this is the advice i received this morning...

so there we have it.. day 1...

how did you do yesterday?

 d xo

well it was only days after my last post on this blog that i fell ill with pneumococcal meinigitis...

after being in icu for several days, i was transfered to a regular room for 2 weeks...

then i was sent home...

i lost a bunch of weight,

when i got home from the hospital i weighed 199... hoy crap, huh!!!!!

even i was shocked...

but i hadn't eaten in almost 3 weeks...

then gained it back with 9 weeks of iv antibiotics...

i was very sick...

very ...

but as close of a call as it was, i went back to the weight management clinic at the end of january...

and i did awesome...

but..

life has handed me a lot of trials and tribulations and i have failed myself in many ways...

i blame nothing and no one but myself...

i got down to 200.5....crazy huh?

well i don't weigh that anymore..

and my sugar is starting to get a little crazy...
i can tell because i am bitchy...and angry all the time...

according to my Wii this morning... i am 224.5

today i have started the program again...

this time i am focused on the end prize..

this time i cannot fail myself again...

this time i have to fight for me...

i have cried a lot today!

i decided to take a self portrait....

so here i am today... i am hoping for a much better picture next time!

if anyone actually reads this blog...i encourage you to get rid of the fat... it has taken up too much of my time and i have wasted too many years like this and the tears everyday are getting old...

i know what i need to do... do you?