so... i know i have been absent...
many reasons...
i can list a bunch of excuses...but there is no real excuse other than an injury and forgetting about myself again.

These past few months have been hard and disappointing in many ways. There is no "prettying" it up. I was on a mission...one that I promised myself and others I would complete. Unfortunately, this will not be the year I get to run in my first 5k race.
A couple of weeks ago, I ran with my best friend and another friend of mine...I think week 4 day 2 of the c25k program...I ran, I puked, I felt horrible during the running and not too bad afterwards.
But I was in A LOT of pain for a few days after and tried to walk my 5 K instead of running but I could barely get my right foot in my running shoe.
So I went and got it looked at and of course I have a stress fracture on the top of my foot and I am to wear an air cast and stay off it as much as I can. I don't wear the cast and I just took it as my way out of running the race.
Honestly, I think that this was the first step in my demise, the beginning of a little depression that set in.
And when I get depressed, I eat...a lot!
I also started working straight days as I take on new responsibility at work. It's been almost 8 years since I have worked 5 days in a row...it's tough.. i'm tired and I think I was trying to prove that I was 100% recovered from a very difficult year.

I'm not sure I was.

And finally 2 weeks ago, I was at work and fell hard in the parking lot. I have hurt my right hip and smashed my knee up pretty good...so now i have a little limp and more to add to my list of excuses.

So as I am 1 week from my 40th birthday, I am searching for myself...I am searching for motivation that comes from within...I am searching for a much happier me.

It's time to no longer make excuses...
It's time to not sit back and be happy for others who are looking after themselves...

It's time to take a good hard look in the mirror and decide that health is THE most important thing to me and my family this year.

no resolutions...i hate resolutions... any one who makes them usually don't keep them...
but i have a few ideas for 2011!!

pray more
spend more time in The Word
focus on myself a little everyday...
spend more time with my real friends.
no more excuses
be smarter
forgive myself
love harder

I could use all the support I can muster up...so if anyone is looking to make some personal changes...let's motivate each other... let's grab hold and say "weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" as we go for a ride.

i signed up for a 5k on dec 31.. trying to run more and walk less...
sore back and sore shins....
i still hate it...
and i am slower than molasses in january...
but i want to keep going...
i guess that's the best thing that has come out of this...

and my bff Melinda... who also is NOT a runner... decided to join in too!!! i am so excited...
so there are 4 of us training now... (at least that i know of) and i can't wait...
well i can... i mean i have to run 5 k... but that will mean that i made it...
never mind the lbs shed...
1 goal at a time...

time to shower... i am soaked!

up and at 'em...

well today i had every excuse in the book to lay on the couch...

i am in my 3rd week of training and doing my "gradual return to work"...

i started working later hours...untill 22:00 ...

i am re learning an entirely new system and processes...

it's tough... it's not a cake walk... it's mentally and physically wearing me down...

i am exhausted...

so picture it.. jammies... bags under my eyes.. no bra... turn on the tv.. it's pouring outside...and i see the biggest loser started last night and rob pvr'd it...

i'm about to turn it on...i get a text from a special friend...who wisely tells me to be patient with myself and that basically i'll adapt and that i'll get used to my new normal ...

and i totally agree..

so we chat..

i asked her about running... and i told her i was tired, my couch felt good, it was quiet in the house and it was pouring... so i wondered if i had any excuses left NOT to go out for my couch to 5K walk/run...

and then she told me that i would feel so BAD ASS if i went and ran in the rain...

so i thought about it... for about 2 minutes... went upstairs.. hair up... bra on (very important) and put my new fave tshirt on... and out i went...

results..(according to my pedometer.. it's pretty accurate..i think.. lol) 

25 mins 

2.21 kms

and even though the rain stopped by the time i got outside... i still felt BAD ASS for getting my FAT ASS out the door...

yep.. good ol fashin sweat....

eye of the tiger?

lol

live strong....live strong.. live strong...

thank you Sheri for getting me out the door...they were the exact right words at the exact right moment and words change people's mind...

and ...i am seriously nervous...

 because... ok no one laugh at me.. 

 i just signed up for my first 5k run... Dec 31st...

i am freaked out..

i have made a promise to myself and my friend to compete... and to complete this challenge..

i will do it..

live strong...

live proud...

live well...

i can do it... i can do it..

down another 2....
slow and steady wins the race...
i love that i am back to work..
routine.. meal planning.. it's forced...
and the fact that we can't eat while we work anymore is a super bonus for me... i used to snack my entire12 hour shift... so this is great!!!!

i have been down on myself a lot for this yo-yo thing...
but i don't beat myself up anymore...
the better the attitude, without regret, the better i do... and the more i want to succeed...

i am getting the water in...
i am planning ahead...
i am writing it down...
i am doing housework until i sweat...

i still love tomatoes....
and i still hate running...

that's my week... now off to work!!!!!!!!!!!!

weigh in day...
lost  1 pound....
i'll take it...
still having a few treats... which i really need to cut back to make sure my sugar stays in tact...

started work.. and i love that we are not allowed to eat unless we are on breaks or lunch...
we used to eat our whole shift.. 12 hours... maybe that's why i was 250lbs...
(see that.. just had a lightbulb moment.. LOL)
oh AND i am in my pre maternity work pants... they are big and they are heavy.. but they fit... without pain... so i am just so motivated by that this week...

found this website... Couch to 5 k
and i hate running... really i do...
but i am going to try it..
you know why?
because i used to hate tomatoes... and now .. I love them... with anything.. on anything...
so.. maybe i might like it..

but we made promises today to do at least 10-15 mins of exercise everyday for a month at our meeting....and I plan on keeping the promise...

does shopping count as exercise??? LOL...

so i am ready for the week...
have my water.. doing better with that for sure..
the eating after 7 part.. still having a bit of a hard time.. but not AS bad..
my sugar has been stable ALL week.,...
and I have been moving, moving, moving...

i feel good though... like i think this is the healthiest i have been in 5 years...
like i feel GREAT!
i'm just still fat.. so slowly but surely... and i'm ok with that..

i'm actually looking forward to this week...

i am looking for good recipes though.. nice .. hardy .. low fat..

i have started making turkey burgers instead of hamburgers... lots of  herbs and spices and they are sooooo tasty...
brown rice.. love it.. mix in some black beans, peppers, mushrooms, celery, onions, chili powder...love it... soooo yummy...
and i made stuffed peppers the other night... tomatoes, a little ricotta cheese...brown rice.. spinach... it's just so good...
and i LOVE spaghetti squash... i could totally never eat spaghetti pasta again.. i love it that much...

so there are definitely way to enjoy the food we love without all the extra fat and calories...

i'm pumped today!
thanks for checkin in!
d xo

ohhh the sabotage!!!!!!!!!!!!

whether we do it to oourselves or we walk into it innocently, the art of sabotage is not very complexe!
i cannot tell you the amount of times i have sabotaged myself, and i continue to sabotage myself....
my weight is a direct link to my level of health...
i just had a meeting yesterday at work yesterday.. and they FINALLY approved me to return to work after 15 and a half months... i start on Monday!
this is HUGE for me..
what do i do?
sabotage myself afterwards...east side mario's for lunch.. hot dogs, which i hate by the way, for lunch...
so why eat them?
lips and assholes wrapped up in a tube... i mean seriously.. i have to drown the taste in cheese whiz, ketchup, mustard, onions... and giant buns ... all in an effort to mask the taste for something i HATE to eat..
so why eat them?
yes.. THEM..
2 of them...
i love fresh salad... love the taste, the smell.. so why not have that?
oh hell i have no idea..

but i can't go back to my old way if i expect to stay at work and make this a successful return!

we also have a 21 year old nanny living with us.. and she loves junk food.. chips...bread...all sorts of stuff..
and we buy it for her...
and i eat it too...
and although i have managed to lose a few lbs thes past few weeks.. i think it's more because of my stay in the hospital with my daughter than anything else.. being nervous and no sleep..

in any case, although i haven't gained weight, my sugar is still a bit wonky...

reading through my commitments i made in my last post.. here is how i measured up these past two weeks..
1. i will be following the weight watcher method of eating... and keep a journal of everything I am eating ...FAILED


2. I will be using my fitness pal as guidance as well...FAILED

3. I WILL DRINK THE WATER....seriously it's a huge problem for me... PASS

4. loose 15 lbs (average 2 lbs a week)..SO FAR SO GOOD

5. move move move move move...jillian michaels and my running shoes should be able to help me with this.. FAILED

6. no eating after 7pm... it's the hardest time of the day for me... so the plan is to stay busy... i have been working in my craft room non stop and i am very inspired right now.. so i want to keep that up... OMG FAILED

7.weigh in only once a week...i tossed the scale..so i want to feel good...PASS

8. completely stabilize my sugar FAILED
 
hmm.. not looking so good..
 
in all fairness, and i blame noone or nothing but myself... we did just find out gracie was having major surgery and there were a few slight complications and not being home for several days...
it all adds to the real life part of eating but i definitely took the easy way out most of the time...
 
it's time to buckle up my boots and refocus... AGAIN...and get back on track!
i look in the mirror and i see disappointment.. i get angry...
as i get older, i'm definitely not the woman i used to be...
i don't look the same..
i don't feel the same...
 
but i am just as stubborn as i always was...
i am just as determined as i always was..
and it's not often that i don't get what i want if i work for it...
i'm just taking the long way around to my destination...the scenic route.. LOL
 
so here i go.... never giving up....
i have to stop sabotaging myself... and continue to write everything down... it REALLY does make a difference...
and if anyone knows how to get motivated when it comes to exercise.. i don't run... then i would love to hear it...
 
 

so i was doing my morning ritual on facebook...and I came across this page..
of course i joined and found their blog and started to read it..

it's new.. brand new.. maybe a week old or so...
there are 6 women and their stories....you know.. how they got fat and all the excuses we use..
their stats..
and it is all about the next 8 weeks and their own personal weight loss goals...
they all have a different way of trying to achieve their goals AND they all have different weight loss expectations...
go take a look here

so i have been neglectful the past few weeks... last week i didn't even make it to the weigh in... so that's not good..
but i am going to follow along with these ladies and report on my progress..

SOOO....here is my plan for the next 8 weeks...

1. i will be following the weight watcher method of eating... and keep a journal of everything I am eating
2. I will be using my fitness pal as guidance as well
3. I WILL DRINK THE WATER....seriously it's a huge problem for me...
4. loose 15 lbs (average 2 lbs a week)
5. move move move move move...jillian michaels and my running shoes should be able to help me with this..
6. no eating after 7pm... it's the hardest time of the day for me... so the plan is to stay busy... i have been working in my craft room non stop  and i am very inspired right now.. so i want to keep that up...
7.weigh in only once a week...i tossed the scale..so i want to feel good...
8. completely stabilize my sugar...

during these 8 weeks... i will have to be dealing with Gracie and her surgery, which will not be easy... and hospitals stays are what started all the fatness to begin with... so... i will make my meals and bring them with me while she is in icu and for the duration of her stay...

i don't have the date yet.. but within this time i will FINALLY be back to work, so I need to stay focused and continue on the way i would if i were home...
make the time for me...
take the time for me..

i have been told that i am self centered...and all i have to say is that people need to watch what they say.. and USUALLY when they criticize things about others, it's because they don't like those qualities about themselves...
so .. call me self centered... but this HAS to be about me now...

so glad i found the site...keep me motivated...
cuz i ain't likin' what i'm seeing...

let's go Ottawa...let's get all cute and healthy!

well... i took my friend Katie's advice and chucked the scale....

i refuse to look at it everyday...

but .. unfortunatley, I do have to be continuously weighed for my doctors and my return to work agreement...

so ..

i went with my girl Holly for the big  "weigh in" this morning and I lost 5 lbs this week!!!!

woohoo!!!

i feel great...

i just need to get the water in!!!

i have a hard time with drinking water all ...day... long...

so I was told to try this..

everytime i go for a pee... go get a drink after...

water out...water in...

that should do the trick..

so here's to week 2 on my new lifestyle plan...

thank you to everyone for the emails and the facebook messages and support throughout my weight loss and jouney to good health! you have no idea how much it means to me!!!

xoxo d.

My background and circumstances may have influenced who I am, however I am responsible for who I become.
author unknown

ain't that the truth...
never really been fat... but the circumstances of my life for the past few years have led me down this path...
fat is what i am now...
but i am responsible for getting my fat ass out of this mess...

and i am doing it...
counting.. paying attention.. moving... Rob is even getting into it...
it's working...
i feel different...
every ounce of effort counts... every single ounce....

i think it's important to know what you are putting in your mouth.. or at least be conscious of the amount of food you are putting in there...
the key is burning off more calories than you take in, right?
and it doesn't matter how you burn them off...
i sanded an entire master bedroom floor by hand... then washed the floor by hand....
i had sweat in places i never knew you could have sweat...
it all counts...
it all makes a difference...

i wear a pedometer... and it's not to meet and make sure i walk 10,000 steps a day...
it's to keep me aware.. and to make sure that today, i make it a little further than i did yesterday!!!

my sugar is settling down this week.. i feel calmer... and to have a friend walking in the same shoes as i am really does make a huge difference...

i really think this is the hardest thing i have ever done... looking after me..
well.. let the games begin...LOL
d.xo

my thought for the day....

If we do not change our direction, we are likely to end up where we are headed. - Chinese Proverb

i just give a shout out to my friend holly...
she has led me down a new path...one full of hope and success ... thank you "fwend"...xo

the other thing i wanted to mention is that my friend katie has a new blog calle So Write...she is blogging about her road to healthy living... her post today made me giggle and, like i told her, was the exact right thing to read this morning... read it here... thank you katie...

now..off to the gym...

calling all fat kids..

so i found this site and you know...
we really are in this together...
i mean...not everyone understands the struggles of being over weight...
do they?
do thin people get it... do they REALLY REALLY get it?
at the end of the day, i am not looking to be thin..
i will never be thin... i want to be healthy...
i want to live a long life...
i want to show my kids an example...and not one of how to change sharps on the end of my insulin injections..hear what i'm saying?

you know what my mother wants? she wants to know how she can take in a size 2... you know.. a size 2...because her pants are getting a bit baggy....i know, i know.. it's rough..
just sayin'!

so now.. i am joining mcfatty mondays...
every monday i will be giving pics, updates... on how my weight loss journey is coming along..
i can tell you that starting this monday...the 19th...i am having a fitness assessment and will be heading to the gym with a personal trainer .. one on one ... 3 times a week...
i am committing to getting my cardio in on the other days...
i am committing to writing everything down that i eat...
i am committing to my daily journal  entries to let out my feelings...
i am committing to a healthier way...
i am committing to a friend of mine that we will journey together...

this weekend was a bust.. chips, ice creme, cheezies...popcorn...the list goes on...
my sugar is starting to creep up, so it's back to focusing on the rest of my life... instead of just right now...
my real committment .. is to myself...

i've been reading many weight loss blogs this past week...there are soooo many people like me...
in the same boat..
feeling like shit...
fat..
inactive..
just want things to get better...

we need to join forces...
we need to support each other...
we need to share ideas that work... there are so many success stories.. sometimes we just need to change one little thing, like drink more water, and we shake our system up enough to see results...
we need positive support..

if anyone needs a buddy, or an encouraging word once in a while... just send me an email.. i will be happy to join forces and help each other out...
i need to get back to work...
i am hoping that i will put in enough work in the next couple of weeks to convince my doctors i am ready!
it's mcfatty monday...
here we go!!!!

(i'd love to hear your story.. if you've dropped by...do you read because you are just curious about my fat ass... are you struggling too??? looking for a plus size model?? lmao....)
have an amazing ..committed...and worthwhile week!

d xo

do i just give up?
i had an appointment at the doctors today...
we talked a lot about stress and weight ...how they co-relate...
how one affects the other...
you know i was listening... i was listening...
and then i just said... you know doc..."i'm fat because i eat too much....i'm pretty sure that's the whole problem..."..."i can take the blame.. i'm not beneath owning up..no need to blow smoke up my ass...."
pretty sure she wasn't expecting that...

she looked at me...grinned  (because she was the psychiatrist)...and said... "dorrie...we might be sitting in the wrong chairs"....

but of course, my weight is up a few lbs...that's never a good news story....
but i am heading back to the clinic to meet with the weight management team.. the nutrionist...the beahviourist..
i think it might be an intervention....LOL
i think they may pull out the measuring tape...
i think i might be sick that day...

but my shrink today said in times of stress i should envision one of my favorite places...which is definitely seaside...
envision the sandy beaches..
smell the salty sea air..

i was like .. "what for?... why would me thinking out mojitos on the beach have anything to do with weight loss?"
i guess her point is she wants me to visualize a quiet moment... take 5 minutes a day and just breathe... go someplace else in my mind... renew, refresh... help me relax and get my blood pressure down..and stress makes your sugar go up.. and i have been having sugar issues ....and i refuse to take insulin...REFUSE!!!!!!

so she had me try it..

i had to tell her i was thirsty... all that salty sea water made me thirsty.. lmao

anyway.. maybe next time i'll think about another place.. maybe i'll think about vito's... .it's this awesome restaurant in NB... went there a few times while i was there...
pretty sure that will just make me hungry...
probably just defeat the purpose of the exercise...

i'm thinking i want to give up now..
but i know i just can't fail myself...

for now.. for today... i am proud to get through the day as well as i did..
exercised.. ate not too bad.. and i felt good....
and i laughed A LOT!!

i'm ok today...
d.xo

well the weekend wasn't a complete bust...

we had gracie's bday party on saturday and i didn't eat all day and then came home and rob made tilapia and coleslaw.. so that was good.

yesterday was more of a gong-show...

went to church for the first time because i actually wanted to go... and then came home, had some friends over for lunch and had hotdogs, sausages and hamburgers...

and diner was pasta..

so not the best choices..

but i was very active..

lots of housework, barely sat down...

but i saw the pics from gracie's party...

and i am so mad at myself...

fat and ugly.. that's totally how i feel about myself...

but it's the truth...

i have avoided pictures for a long time because i was fat...

now... if i waited till i was thin, no one would know what i looked like..

so i get in the pics if people want... and who cares... someday i am hoping to be proud of at least one picture...

it's anew week, and a new roll of film.. so here we go!!!!

d xo

friday....what does that mean?
nothing really...
just been told by manulife (the company that pays me to stay home) that they want me to go through a summer of shrinks and fitness and get through all of the summers stresses before i head back to work...
i give up...
yesterday i sat with my shrink who hadn't seen me in a few weeks because she was on vacation, told me that she thought i had gained weight...
should she be saying stuff like that?
anyway.. needless to say.. i did tell her that i have my period...so i MUST be bloated...LOL...any excuse for it NOT to be my fault...and as a side note, since i have been sick,my periods are nasty... NASTY...
never in my life have i been able to tell it was coming, no pain, barely bleeding.. nothing...
now... i can barely take 2 steps... i am bitchy... and i just don't want to move...
remind me to send meningitis a card at christmas time, would ya?
good grief...

all that talk about periods to say...
i did go to snap fitness... and i worked out with a trainer... i strongly advise a trainer if you are new at this workout thing... i think it's great when we have all this motivation to get up and get going, but if you have no idea what you're doing... it's great to have some guidance... and someone to push you...
anyway... he was pretty tough.. but i am wayyyyyyy physically stronger than i ever though i was...
i walked 5 minutes to warm up on the treadmill... then he had me start to "jog"...then run... i lasted about 20 mins (which is what he wanted) and ran 2.4 kms...
i was going at a good pace... and then nearly barfed ..lol
i refuse to do the classes because i went to goodlife for a while and it's all the skinny bitches in those pilates classes and fat and pilates do not work out so well.... and although i would swear sweat my ass off.... i just hated it...
but my trainer told me that i should focus on weight loss... everything in moderation... 4 times a week at the gym and lots of everyday stuff in between...
i can do that...
scale reads 220...so i am happy that in the midst of the red sea overflowing and my inability to get my ass to the gym because of all the pain, there are still results...
eating wise.. well i have great success days... and i  have great failing moments...
but i eat when i am not hungry and that is mostly the problem...
the other thing that is somewhat keeping me on track... is writing it down!
BUT.. i write it down BEFORE i eat it... so i then decide if i really WANT or NEED what i am about to write down... i change my mind .. A LOT!
i was going to get rob to take some biggest loser pics of me... just not sure i really really want to look at those... but to start with, i have only ever taken head shots.. and sometimes from an angle... so although they are not edited.. and it's really me.. i can hide the rolls... the double chins...
i think i might just do it.. still thinking about that one.. LOL
here's to another weekend of challenges, including gracie's birthday party... i changed my mind and decided to make my own cupcakes... strawberry lemonade... but i secretly wonder if i am making that flavour because they are MY favorite.. or because the kids might like them...
i'll let you know how i do!

well i don't have much to say for myself today...
i ate crappy all weekend...
i have been travelling almost every weekend for months now...
i am tired and finally it's over for a while...
just had my shake for breakfast...
checked in with the Wii...
BMI is 39.8......eesh not good...
i am aiming for 30....

i am heading over to SNAP fitness... a friend of mine from work, her cousin owns it.. going to hook me up with a trainer...so i am nervous about that...
if i can blog tomorrow, it's because my arms are not dead and i survived my first day...LOL

carry on soldiers!!!!
here we go!!!!

day 1 complete of mission restart!!!!

i did pretty well yesterday...

i had 2 shakes.. one for breakfast, one for lunch... and then had a small bowl of spanish rice (homemade)..

just pulled out the crockpot...

fried up extra lean ground turkey and mild italian sausage (just the meat , not the actually sausage cassing)

2 cans of diced tomatoes

can of black beans

can of kidney beans

chopped up onion

chilli powder

2 cups brown rice (uncooked)

threw it all together..

only took 2 -3 hours to cook and it was done!

mmmmmm!!!!

hopped on the Wii...

check this out.. this is me...

my weight stayed the same... and this is the advice i received this morning...

so there we have it.. day 1...

how did you do yesterday?

 d xo

well it was only days after my last post on this blog that i fell ill with pneumococcal meinigitis...

after being in icu for several days, i was transfered to a regular room for 2 weeks...

then i was sent home...

i lost a bunch of weight,

when i got home from the hospital i weighed 199... hoy crap, huh!!!!!

even i was shocked...

but i hadn't eaten in almost 3 weeks...

then gained it back with 9 weeks of iv antibiotics...

i was very sick...

very ...

but as close of a call as it was, i went back to the weight management clinic at the end of january...

and i did awesome...

but..

life has handed me a lot of trials and tribulations and i have failed myself in many ways...

i blame nothing and no one but myself...

i got down to 200.5....crazy huh?

well i don't weigh that anymore..

and my sugar is starting to get a little crazy...
i can tell because i am bitchy...and angry all the time...

according to my Wii this morning... i am 224.5

today i have started the program again...

this time i am focused on the end prize..

this time i cannot fail myself again...

this time i have to fight for me...

i have cried a lot today!

i decided to take a self portrait....

so here i am today... i am hoping for a much better picture next time!

if anyone actually reads this blog...i encourage you to get rid of the fat... it has taken up too much of my time and i have wasted too many years like this and the tears everyday are getting old...

i know what i need to do... do you?