Milestones!

well, i'll say it again....

March 23/2012 was the first day of my new life. 

4 months later:

i'm still a work in progress...

i still struggle everyday, but it's a good struggle...one that i look forward to. 

the gym kills me...it's hard and i swear at my trainer on a daily basis...

the eating kills me...to have to think about every bite that goes in my mouth, somedays, consumes me. 

finding balance is a problem sometimes...

finding time to enjoy life is a problem sometimes...

being ok with letting it all go for a weekend away with the girls is a problem sometimes...

the guilt i feel is starting to lessen if i have a "cheat day"...

but the disappointment of having gained 2 lbs after said weekend away or cheat day is devastating to me...

i'm learning to cope and understand the "numbers" and not be consumed by them...

i have a great life. 

i feel blessed..

i feel healthy..

i feel strong..

i feel like i no longer have to make excuses to NOT wear a bathing suit. I just put it on and embrace the stretch marks.

i feel a little more confident  and have a little more self esteem. 

i finally feel like I am worth the effort...

As of today...54 lbs lost in 4 months and  i am worth every penny i spent on running and training shoes, work out clothes, trainers, gym membership, Herbal Magic...all of it....

i am worth the effort...

Current weight is 184!!!!

i'm in the 180's!!!! holy freakin shit! 

it still blows my mind!

my goal is 175...we'll see when i get there if i can lose a little more, but i am trying to be realistic too!

i'm not the only person who has had a weight loss journey, and thank heaven's there were others before me that i have learned from and watched with admiration...to all the women who came before me, struggle with me and have yet taken the first step...thank you.. thank you for inspiring me on the most difficult of days....i am grateful for you all!

wanna see a pic?

it's just before the gym today...

i find my legs are looking a little "manly" and i have the flapper  arms... lol...but it's where i'm at today and i am starting to embrace the whole new me!

xx

Time Flies....

i can't believe it's already been almost 3 weeks since my last confession ,errr...post!
it might be that I have read the 50 Shades of Grey series 3 times and can't seem to put the books down...

time has been flying by and without a word of a lie, everyday brings a different challenge....
if you've ever tried to get your life back in order and lose weight and be healthy, some days just waking up and wanting to be successful that day is a challenge...

some of my challenges right now are my body pains...knees are the worst....i work out and then they have to get iced...dr says it's because i've lost the "buffer" or fat in my knees and they are getting used to being worked hard...

and i recently spent an entire day at the Civic Hospital with some major chest pains and nausea...pretty scary, right?

tuesday i was concerned because i was awake at 2am from the pressure i felt in my upper chest....i  have never had chest pains before and my last chest workout had been on the friday before, so i went to work and decided that i really need to take care of this...turns out after 3 ecg's and blood work, the doctor (who I must say was very very very handsome) said that he could tell i was working out because my chest and back were pretty tight (giggle) and that he felt it was just muscular....no real health risks... he checked my blood sugar and it was completely normal...he checked everything and everything was on point....he said that he reviewed my chart and had seen my past battle with meningitis and the issues i had related to it and (tia with droopy face and loss of movement on my right side, loss of hearing, diabetic crashes, high blood pressure, back pains and memory loss) and was shocked that i was THAT person...but said that i was proof that if you work hard enough, you get where you need to be and that my pains were proof i was working that area out...LOL
*sigh*
i was happy...

so back to the gym I went on wednesday and did a complete chest workout and i felt great afterwards....

sweaty...but great!

(and grey...good lord i look old!)

 but look what happens when you wash the sweat off....lol

not a huge fan of the pictures but i figure, i should put a few progress ones here and there...(maybe i'll get someone to take a body shot next time...if i'm brave enough)

in other news, i officially registered for my first 5km race...and I use the term "race" quite loosely actually.. it's my first 5km challenge...i'm running to say i did it.. i have no desire to be a long distance runner but i would like to say that i did it at least once... so I am trying the Army Run in September....and we'll see how that goes....no plans for anything else, except for the 9-run-run 3km in October. (they don't have a 5km)...and I'll never be ready for a 10km....

so we have passed week 11, 12, and finishing week 13....it was officially 3 months ago on March 23rd that i decided to live my life the best way i could and so far....i'm pretty happy with the results.... i don't see it yet, maybe i never will... but i know my clothes don't fit, and i don't take insulin so that part has made it's reality check...the rest will come i imagine... 

current weight 192...so that's 46lbs

total inches lost head to toe...37.5

current BMI is 38.6

oh and i told my councillor at Herbal Magic that i wanted my 2 friends (Sheri who started a few days before me and has lost 42lbs, and my friend Melinda who just started 2 weeks ago and has lost over 10lbs) and i, that we should be on a poster! ....turns out they will make sure we are...but i have 22 lbs to go and then we will see....

hehehe...Dorrie on a poster for heaven's sake!!!!!!

so here we go....week 14...let's see what tomorrow beings....

Happy Canada Day!

a little anxiety

well the time has come to start clearing out the closet...


i haven't fit in some of these clothes for at least 2 sizes but i am afraid to actually take them out of the house.
i thought about it last night...
what if i fall off the wagon again?
what if i need them again?
what if i can't do this anymore and i just gave all my clothes away?

***sigh***

seriously...seriously anxious about my abilities, doubting myself and my determination to get to my goal weight and pass the firefighter physical....
i had a really hard time sleeping last night..
i left the clothes on the floor and didn't even bother to fold them up... i stepped over them this morning as i got ready to head to the gym for my cardio workout... just stepped over them and feared touching them...

then i got to the gym...
i was alone in the gym for most of my workout and really when nobody is watching, and i have no one to have an imaginary race against, i imagine i could slack a little...
but today was a test.. a test of will, a test of determination...

ear phones in and after a few stretches, i jumped on the treadmill and decided i would run without stopping for 30 minutes...i had only ever done it once and i was really angry so i would speed up and be ridiculous and then slow down, then sprint again.... it was brutal on my legs the next day but my distance was good (5km)
so i figured it would take 6-7 songs on my iPod....and with no one watching i started...
at the end of 30 mins i managed to complete 2.6 miles (which after converting it is about 4.2 km)...i was shocked....my legs were finished and i had to really push it out the last couple of minutes but my pace never changed...steady 4.4 --> which is not fast by any  means but i never slowed down, even when i wanted to.
then i did 30 mins of stretching and ab work...and then i was spent.

i came home, dropped my bag at the door and walked upstairs and folded all the clothes up on the floor and packaged them up...
i'm ready now...

i can do this...

i don't know why i doubt myself all the time...
i'm a strong and stubborn old lady...but being fat for such a long time, loosing a bit of weight, gaining it back over and over again is an emotional nightmare...
it plays games with my self esteem...

today i went alone, i worked out alone, i ran the farthest and longest i've done in a long time...
i'm ok...

hello size 16!!!! lol

WEEK 10/11!!!!!!

today is a great day!!!!
today is a day i am proud of...
it's been 10 years ...TEN YEARS!!!!!!!!
but today was the day i saw it for real!

i'm in ONE-DERLAND!!!!!!!!!

in the past 2 weeks, i believe i have finally started to balance things... not too much crazy working out, not too much crazy "dieting"... i am living life, celebrating with friends... dining out but taking it easy...and resting when my body tells me it's time...

last check in, my weight was 206.4
today 198!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
198!!!!!!!!!!
198!!!!!!!!!!
198!!!!!!!!!!

i can't believe i did it... so that's 40 lbs and week 11 ends on Friday....(so i guess i'm technically week 10.5)....
and i took this pic this morning....post work out..so i look like garbage and my head is still all sweaty....and it's a bad picture....lol... but this is where i'm at today...

proud of every lb...
proud of having the will and desire to stick with it....
proud of racing my imaginary friends on the treadmill...

i love every single woman/person who came before me and have changed their lives...
this is the hardest thing i have ever done and sometimes, just sometimes it makes me smile...

today i smiled....

-------------------------------------------------------------
Goal weight (for now) 170....

Pictures, whut?

I was just asked to post a recent pic of myself..LOL
umm.. not my favourite thing to do... but here is me and Rob this weekend after his race...

I am so NOT photogenic....blech!  but I did it for him! LOL

And this is my sorry ass in Punta Cana at the beginning of March - only 2 weeks before I decided to smarten up!

mmhmmm...my Fire Captain friend Stephanie on the left- super buff, and my friend Lisa on the right- slim and then there is me , the fat kid with the lines on my neck where the fat hung down and didn't see the sun...
this picture did it for me... I needed to change..and do it right now!

so the journey began....

Week 9-Results!!!!

Ok the numbers after last week...

weight 206.4
loss 31.6
BMI 41.0
Gym - 3 strength training and 2 cardio days

This week has been an inspirational week for me.

My man Rob ran his first 5 KM race in 27 mins!!!!

We were all cheering him on! So very proud of him!

My friend Katie did her very first Marathon!!!!!You HAVE to read this story!!!!
She is amazing!  She has transformed herself into a machine over these past two years and it took until 10 weeks ago for me to get up off the couch and stop just reading her posts and get off my ass....
I waited at the finish line for her but SHE WAS TOO FAST!!!!! LOL....I tried to find her to congratulate her but it was just too hectic and soooo many people. I knew I was there, and I watched her in amazement.

As for me.... weight is still dropping. :)..so i'm happy about that...you'd think that it would be faster with all the sweat and stink i can produce, but i'm ok with slow and steady!

I went to Sport Check and although I had to buy XL, I still bought shorts and tshirts and bras (under armour...if you work out, you need these..)...and they fit me!!! It's still difficult to wrap my brain around it but I am starting to see the changes a little. And the fact that I wasn't at addition elle (the fat lady store).....makes me happy!

I have discovered that I HATE looking in the mirror... today I was with Katie doing a few weights and she had us looking in the mirror while we did them, it was all I could do to not run away....not sure when I'll get over that part but to be honest, on a daily basis, I look in the mirror to make sure that the shit is out of my eyes and my ponytail is not crooked...that's it...
But several times I have been asked to "look at (my) form" in the mirror ...and I look a lot bigger than I feel...I think that's why I avoid the mirrors...someday, I hope to proud of what I see, not just what the numbers say.

I began week 10 on Friday so I will keep you apprised of my latest updates. I think I might try running outside. It is much different than the treadmill and if I want to get ready for my first 5km Army Run, then I best be practicing properly.

Have a great week...congratulations to all the runners that participated int he Ottawa Race weekend... reports of over 30, 0000 people ran in various runs...it's awe inspiring and I hope to be as good as them someday!

xo

so this is my new profile pic on Facebook...
it hurts..
it definitely takes time..
i am dedicated...
i have willpower....
i am making healthy decisions....
i a sacrificing a lot.. money, time with family...
i am pushing my body like it has never been pushed before...
and I KNOW WHEN I REACH MY GOAL,it will DEFINITELY BE WORTH IT!!!!!!!!!!

week 8...
weight 209
29 lbs lost
31 inches gone from head to toe!
BMI is 41.2 (was 49.8)
training everyday except for weekends I work...

i have been frustrated because i get weighed in after 2 hours of training and they tell me i've gone up a lb, sometimes more... i even cried in the truck one day....
but then on my rest days i weigh in and i've lost 5 lbs..
my councillors at Herbal Magic tell me that it is the "tear and repair" issues with strength training, and try to have me focus on my lowered BMI or inches lost...
it doesn't make sense and for someone who is number focused, i am not trying to focus on the weight, rather on the way i feel and my gaining strength... but it's hard...
i NEED the numbers to go down.. this, unfortunately is how i stay motivated...

but overall i am pleased and doing the very best i can everyday to make sure i reach my goals...
people criticize that i am working too hard, or doing too  much...
but i do what i can and rest when i have too...

it's a journey and balance is the one thing i know i have to work on...
but i feel amazing and am proud of myself for the the first time is a very long time...

week number 9.. HERE I COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am starting my 7th week with my weight loss journey, and i am full steam ahead...

the month of may this year is going to be a monumental one...
i am applying at the fire department and getting ready for one of the biggest adventures of my life....both mentally and physically...i have a lot to prove to myself and i feel amazing and proud for the first time in my entire life...

i go to the gym at least 4 times a week, i am trying all kinds of different things and feeling pain in parts of my body that i never knew could feel pain... lol...it's crazy to think that this is my life...
i used to be that person that watched Biggest Loser with a bowl of popcorn and a diet Coke... now I "am" that person...less the popcorn and pop...

i have cut a lot of things out of my diet, not because i HAVE to, rather because i want to...like aspartame that will just eventually make us all stupid.... and refined sugars which are a killer for people with Diabetes....baby steps... i can only do one thing at a time, let it be my new normal and then tackle something else...

i was having a hard time at night this week with hunger issues, but instead of eating anything and everything i could get my hands on, i tried almonds, walnuts and sometime just a bowl of strawberries did the trick...i know i really shouldn't eat the sweet stuff at night, but again, baby steps...it's a much better choice than anything i would have done in the past.

so off i go.. lucky week number 7... i have successfully lost 2.5 bags of potatoes....

i have to stop at our corporate uniform store too because i have to change my work pants... people commented yesterday that i had droopy bum again...and get this!! i put on a work shirt from 2004! size 17 neck! i haven't done that since before I was pregnant with Grace...
it's the little things that get me excited...

you know what doesn't get me excited? droopy boobs... good grief....why is it i can tighten every muscle in my body but the boobs turn into long tube sicks with knobs on the end? *sigh*

i have received some pretty fantastic emails from my friends telling how proud they are of me, and that they are happy "old" happy Dorrie is back in town....( i try to ignore the old part...lol).....i still have a long road ahead, but it's definitely the encouragement from others and kinds words that get me through each successful day....
i love you
and i thank you
always!
xo

Taking the Wins with the Loses

this has been a week of mixed emotions...

i have been successful on the scale and yet felt a bit defeated at the gym...

i just lost my 20th lb in 4.5 weeks....23.5 inches from head to toe....and i am thrilled...i feel great!!!! 

i've dropped uniform sizes, people can tell a little and are commenting on my successes....

i have never looked for pats on the back or my name in lights anywhere, but i'll tell ya, it sure does feel nice once in a while...i was told by someone once that i was self centred and selfish, and i believed her...but i now know that i am neither of those things, and sometimes people say things because their own life is miserable...and i am a firm believer that we teach people how to treat us, and i will never all anyone to treat me like that again...and thankfully that person is not in my life anymore...and i am taking control of my life, making sure that i am here for a long time and looking after my family and if that makes me selfish, then i'm the most selfish person ever....

i joined Goodlife Fitness and last thursday was my first day there. i was met by my friend Katie who ran me through the fit-fix...it's a strength workout that says all over the place should take about 20  mins to complete but i think we were there for over an hour going through each of the machines after our 5 mins warm up....it was my first day, i didn't use too much weight and i learned how to properly use the machines....it was great...Katie has been an amazing inspiration and when she had her turn on the machines, i could only wish to look like that someday....i so appreciate her insight and friendship....amazing!!!!

feeling ambitious, i went back on friday and did a 45 min pump class and a 30 min CXWorx class....and although i did not die, at the end, i was finished....the pump class was so amazing.. i felt powerful and even shed a few tears of pride....the music is phenomenal and it makes you feel invincible...

CXWORX is a core work out with bands and crunches and omg.....so not for a beginner .. but i did it and i did like it.. i just think the next time, i'll do it on it's own....

i worked nights all weekend and last minute monday night I went to the gym with my friend Kim who convinces me that this RPM spinning class would be a fantastic addition to my workout regime. i had not even sat on the bike and i knew that this was all wrong for me.... calves were cramping , my hoo-haw was burning after the first few movements on the bike, my toes went numb ....i sweat... oh yes i did... and i lasted till the end of the 50 mins of hell but i'm not sure that this is the right class for me... i didn't enjoy it at all.....so i felt defeated here... defeated by a crotch pounding bike....i looked new in the class, i felt like i failed there and i know it was only my first time, but everyone came out of that class excited except me....i pulled muscles in the back of my knee and still today it's very painful.....but the only way i will stay motivated is if i enjoy the class, and i know everyone thinks this class is fantastic, but i will try some of the other ones and see where i can fit it in to my busy schedule...

but i am enjoying the gym , which surprises me a little....the feeling or the "high" you get from it when you are done is crazy....i've never really belonged to a gym before and knowing that i have extremely supportive friends that will make sure i go, makes me feel like i can really reach the fitness the goals i am setting out to achieve...

so that is my last week of redefining myself.....

and I do have to mention another friend who joined Herbal Magic a few days before me....I won't say her name but she has lost over 22lbs and is going to the gym too....and i figure between the two of us we have lost an entire "Grace"...my daughter weighs 40++ lbs.... 

we do a check in at every weigh in and encourage each other to carry on.. and i am so very very thankful for her.... so thankful....

so i am off to work another couple of night shifts and and hopefully with a few days off my knee can heal and i'll be back at 'er on Friday!!!!

Here are a few numbers...

Starting weight 238

Current weight 218

Inches lost  23.5 at the end of 4 weeks

Sugar 6.0 average

Insulin taken 0

Blood pressure 120/75

Times at the gym  4 in the first week

I'd say i'm doing ok.....

xo 

   

it's amazing really the job that i have...
i love it...
it has it's absolute crazy moments, there is sadness and anger at what some people do to themselves and each other...
throughout the course of a 12 hour shift, i experience many emotions...
and let's be real here, i am an emotional eater...

i get 2 15 minute breaks and 2 30 minute lunches per shift and you'd have thought that i had to stuff every single calorie i could find in my mouth during that time or i wouldn't survive the rest of the shift.
lunch time usually involved a trip to Wendy's or subway or McDonald's...easy, fast and never ever made me feel good.. yet I did it anyway...and I have been doing this job for 7.5 years.

today i am a different person...
i take into consideration my breaks and lunches and carefully calculate and measure all portions for my entire day at work...i don't bring  my debit card..i don't bring money....
i have completely changed my behaviour towards food...

and the best part is that i am completely satisfied.

the slightest modifications sometimes make the best and most amazing impacts in our daily lives.
i am still at that point right now where i am afraid to go and eat out because of all the oils and and sodium and sugar that i have taken out of my diet...i just have to learn how to order things i imagine...

i have been on Herbal Magic for 3 weeks now and I have lost 14 lbs...I only had a chance to weigh in last tuesday (so i'm not sure if there are any other decreases...but i can tell a little that there may be :) ).
i normally weigh in 3-4 times a week to make sure i keep on track, but with work and shifts and overtime and training sessions all this week, it's been insane..
but i have kept to the plan  and i am proud to be where i am...

since having Grace, this has been one of the most difficult things to deal with... i hate the fat...
i try to accept myself the way i am, but i have never accepted it....now i have taken the steps to make it better not only for today, but for always...

i went down a pant size at work, and i picked up new ones.... the old ones were immediately disposed of... there is no going back...
i feel better than i have in a long time....

oh and one of my goals this year is to do the testing for Ottawa Fire... they test every two years, and applications start in May...physical testing is in November....so i may be calling on a friend to help me out here, but i have to increase my upper body strength and my cardio if i even want a shot at not looking like a jackass...lol....

thank you for the emails and support... i so appreciate it...
xo

quietly plugging away

i've been quiet..
i had been struggling....

but i am succeeding and am winning the fight...

no longer on diabetic medication.....
my last set of blood samples no longer indicated i was a diabetic...completely normal!

my weight is going in the right direction...

and although i have spinal injuries from meningitis in 2009, i am getting dressed everyday, i am out walking all the time, i get dressed even on my days off and get out of the house and i read a very special person's blog all the time to keep me motivated...

i have to be honest, i can't eat the stuff she eats..lol...and i will most likely never run a marathon but i read and watch quietly and do what i can to stay motivated.

 i really wanted to run...i was going to get a tattoo with my first bib number on it ....i registered and picked up my kit for the resolution run dec 2011 and the number was perfect ...2712....71 is my birth year and 22 has always been a great number for me....unfortunately, training for the 5 k (i'm sure some of you remember my stupid videos..lol) i started to hear crunching sounds in my upper neck...after a ct and mri, it was determined that i have disks that were damaged by the meningitis and the pounding and the weight caused more damage....i had an option.. keep running and hope i don't end up in a wheelchair, or find something else to do...i chose the later...
but i will still register for race weekend for the 3km walk...i'm down, but not out...

the eating part is easy now.  i belong to herbal magic...i get weighed in almost everyday and am provided counselling and one on one real time with an eating expert... they are educated with medical issues and you eat real food from the kitchen.. just portioned right and a little more often throughout the day...
i tipped the scales at my highest weight ever not too long ago, but i am proud to say that i am doing great, losing the weight, and proud of every ounce of weight i keep off....this week alone i am doing 7,2lbs...
i no longer have cravings at night, my blood sugar is stable and i feel calm all day long...it's a different life...completely different.

i have stopped hiding and started going out more and enjoying every day, the sunshine and embracing life with a new attitude...

not perfect....but trying....

I want to teach my children that their mom is a fighter...and when the going gets rough, the rough does not head for the refrigerator anymore....we go out, grab the iPod and walk the frustrations away..and we pray for guidance...

quietly plugging away...