a little anxiety

well the time has come to start clearing out the closet...


i haven't fit in some of these clothes for at least 2 sizes but i am afraid to actually take them out of the house.
i thought about it last night...
what if i fall off the wagon again?
what if i need them again?
what if i can't do this anymore and i just gave all my clothes away?

***sigh***

seriously...seriously anxious about my abilities, doubting myself and my determination to get to my goal weight and pass the firefighter physical....
i had a really hard time sleeping last night..
i left the clothes on the floor and didn't even bother to fold them up... i stepped over them this morning as i got ready to head to the gym for my cardio workout... just stepped over them and feared touching them...

then i got to the gym...
i was alone in the gym for most of my workout and really when nobody is watching, and i have no one to have an imaginary race against, i imagine i could slack a little...
but today was a test.. a test of will, a test of determination...

ear phones in and after a few stretches, i jumped on the treadmill and decided i would run without stopping for 30 minutes...i had only ever done it once and i was really angry so i would speed up and be ridiculous and then slow down, then sprint again.... it was brutal on my legs the next day but my distance was good (5km)
so i figured it would take 6-7 songs on my iPod....and with no one watching i started...
at the end of 30 mins i managed to complete 2.6 miles (which after converting it is about 4.2 km)...i was shocked....my legs were finished and i had to really push it out the last couple of minutes but my pace never changed...steady 4.4 --> which is not fast by any  means but i never slowed down, even when i wanted to.
then i did 30 mins of stretching and ab work...and then i was spent.

i came home, dropped my bag at the door and walked upstairs and folded all the clothes up on the floor and packaged them up...
i'm ready now...

i can do this...

i don't know why i doubt myself all the time...
i'm a strong and stubborn old lady...but being fat for such a long time, loosing a bit of weight, gaining it back over and over again is an emotional nightmare...
it plays games with my self esteem...

today i went alone, i worked out alone, i ran the farthest and longest i've done in a long time...
i'm ok...

hello size 16!!!! lol