Milestones!

well, i'll say it again....

March 23/2012 was the first day of my new life. 

4 months later:

i'm still a work in progress...

i still struggle everyday, but it's a good struggle...one that i look forward to. 

the gym kills me...it's hard and i swear at my trainer on a daily basis...

the eating kills me...to have to think about every bite that goes in my mouth, somedays, consumes me. 

finding balance is a problem sometimes...

finding time to enjoy life is a problem sometimes...

being ok with letting it all go for a weekend away with the girls is a problem sometimes...

the guilt i feel is starting to lessen if i have a "cheat day"...

but the disappointment of having gained 2 lbs after said weekend away or cheat day is devastating to me...

i'm learning to cope and understand the "numbers" and not be consumed by them...

i have a great life. 

i feel blessed..

i feel healthy..

i feel strong..

i feel like i no longer have to make excuses to NOT wear a bathing suit. I just put it on and embrace the stretch marks.

i feel a little more confident  and have a little more self esteem. 

i finally feel like I am worth the effort...

As of today...54 lbs lost in 4 months and  i am worth every penny i spent on running and training shoes, work out clothes, trainers, gym membership, Herbal Magic...all of it....

i am worth the effort...

Current weight is 184!!!!

i'm in the 180's!!!! holy freakin shit! 

it still blows my mind!

my goal is 175...we'll see when i get there if i can lose a little more, but i am trying to be realistic too!

i'm not the only person who has had a weight loss journey, and thank heaven's there were others before me that i have learned from and watched with admiration...to all the women who came before me, struggle with me and have yet taken the first step...thank you.. thank you for inspiring me on the most difficult of days....i am grateful for you all!

wanna see a pic?

it's just before the gym today...

i find my legs are looking a little "manly" and i have the flapper  arms... lol...but it's where i'm at today and i am starting to embrace the whole new me!

xx

Time Flies....

i can't believe it's already been almost 3 weeks since my last confession ,errr...post!
it might be that I have read the 50 Shades of Grey series 3 times and can't seem to put the books down...

time has been flying by and without a word of a lie, everyday brings a different challenge....
if you've ever tried to get your life back in order and lose weight and be healthy, some days just waking up and wanting to be successful that day is a challenge...

some of my challenges right now are my body pains...knees are the worst....i work out and then they have to get iced...dr says it's because i've lost the "buffer" or fat in my knees and they are getting used to being worked hard...

and i recently spent an entire day at the Civic Hospital with some major chest pains and nausea...pretty scary, right?

tuesday i was concerned because i was awake at 2am from the pressure i felt in my upper chest....i  have never had chest pains before and my last chest workout had been on the friday before, so i went to work and decided that i really need to take care of this...turns out after 3 ecg's and blood work, the doctor (who I must say was very very very handsome) said that he could tell i was working out because my chest and back were pretty tight (giggle) and that he felt it was just muscular....no real health risks... he checked my blood sugar and it was completely normal...he checked everything and everything was on point....he said that he reviewed my chart and had seen my past battle with meningitis and the issues i had related to it and (tia with droopy face and loss of movement on my right side, loss of hearing, diabetic crashes, high blood pressure, back pains and memory loss) and was shocked that i was THAT person...but said that i was proof that if you work hard enough, you get where you need to be and that my pains were proof i was working that area out...LOL
*sigh*
i was happy...

so back to the gym I went on wednesday and did a complete chest workout and i felt great afterwards....

sweaty...but great!

(and grey...good lord i look old!)

 but look what happens when you wash the sweat off....lol

not a huge fan of the pictures but i figure, i should put a few progress ones here and there...(maybe i'll get someone to take a body shot next time...if i'm brave enough)

in other news, i officially registered for my first 5km race...and I use the term "race" quite loosely actually.. it's my first 5km challenge...i'm running to say i did it.. i have no desire to be a long distance runner but i would like to say that i did it at least once... so I am trying the Army Run in September....and we'll see how that goes....no plans for anything else, except for the 9-run-run 3km in October. (they don't have a 5km)...and I'll never be ready for a 10km....

so we have passed week 11, 12, and finishing week 13....it was officially 3 months ago on March 23rd that i decided to live my life the best way i could and so far....i'm pretty happy with the results.... i don't see it yet, maybe i never will... but i know my clothes don't fit, and i don't take insulin so that part has made it's reality check...the rest will come i imagine... 

current weight 192...so that's 46lbs

total inches lost head to toe...37.5

current BMI is 38.6

oh and i told my councillor at Herbal Magic that i wanted my 2 friends (Sheri who started a few days before me and has lost 42lbs, and my friend Melinda who just started 2 weeks ago and has lost over 10lbs) and i, that we should be on a poster! ....turns out they will make sure we are...but i have 22 lbs to go and then we will see....

hehehe...Dorrie on a poster for heaven's sake!!!!!!

so here we go....week 14...let's see what tomorrow beings....

Happy Canada Day!

a little anxiety

well the time has come to start clearing out the closet...


i haven't fit in some of these clothes for at least 2 sizes but i am afraid to actually take them out of the house.
i thought about it last night...
what if i fall off the wagon again?
what if i need them again?
what if i can't do this anymore and i just gave all my clothes away?

***sigh***

seriously...seriously anxious about my abilities, doubting myself and my determination to get to my goal weight and pass the firefighter physical....
i had a really hard time sleeping last night..
i left the clothes on the floor and didn't even bother to fold them up... i stepped over them this morning as i got ready to head to the gym for my cardio workout... just stepped over them and feared touching them...

then i got to the gym...
i was alone in the gym for most of my workout and really when nobody is watching, and i have no one to have an imaginary race against, i imagine i could slack a little...
but today was a test.. a test of will, a test of determination...

ear phones in and after a few stretches, i jumped on the treadmill and decided i would run without stopping for 30 minutes...i had only ever done it once and i was really angry so i would speed up and be ridiculous and then slow down, then sprint again.... it was brutal on my legs the next day but my distance was good (5km)
so i figured it would take 6-7 songs on my iPod....and with no one watching i started...
at the end of 30 mins i managed to complete 2.6 miles (which after converting it is about 4.2 km)...i was shocked....my legs were finished and i had to really push it out the last couple of minutes but my pace never changed...steady 4.4 --> which is not fast by any  means but i never slowed down, even when i wanted to.
then i did 30 mins of stretching and ab work...and then i was spent.

i came home, dropped my bag at the door and walked upstairs and folded all the clothes up on the floor and packaged them up...
i'm ready now...

i can do this...

i don't know why i doubt myself all the time...
i'm a strong and stubborn old lady...but being fat for such a long time, loosing a bit of weight, gaining it back over and over again is an emotional nightmare...
it plays games with my self esteem...

today i went alone, i worked out alone, i ran the farthest and longest i've done in a long time...
i'm ok...

hello size 16!!!! lol

WEEK 10/11!!!!!!

today is a great day!!!!
today is a day i am proud of...
it's been 10 years ...TEN YEARS!!!!!!!!
but today was the day i saw it for real!

i'm in ONE-DERLAND!!!!!!!!!

in the past 2 weeks, i believe i have finally started to balance things... not too much crazy working out, not too much crazy "dieting"... i am living life, celebrating with friends... dining out but taking it easy...and resting when my body tells me it's time...

last check in, my weight was 206.4
today 198!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
198!!!!!!!!!!
198!!!!!!!!!!
198!!!!!!!!!!

i can't believe i did it... so that's 40 lbs and week 11 ends on Friday....(so i guess i'm technically week 10.5)....
and i took this pic this morning....post work out..so i look like garbage and my head is still all sweaty....and it's a bad picture....lol... but this is where i'm at today...

proud of every lb...
proud of having the will and desire to stick with it....
proud of racing my imaginary friends on the treadmill...

i love every single woman/person who came before me and have changed their lives...
this is the hardest thing i have ever done and sometimes, just sometimes it makes me smile...

today i smiled....

-------------------------------------------------------------
Goal weight (for now) 170....

Pictures, whut?

I was just asked to post a recent pic of myself..LOL
umm.. not my favourite thing to do... but here is me and Rob this weekend after his race...

I am so NOT photogenic....blech!  but I did it for him! LOL

And this is my sorry ass in Punta Cana at the beginning of March - only 2 weeks before I decided to smarten up!

mmhmmm...my Fire Captain friend Stephanie on the left- super buff, and my friend Lisa on the right- slim and then there is me , the fat kid with the lines on my neck where the fat hung down and didn't see the sun...
this picture did it for me... I needed to change..and do it right now!

so the journey began....

Week 9-Results!!!!

Ok the numbers after last week...

weight 206.4
loss 31.6
BMI 41.0
Gym - 3 strength training and 2 cardio days

This week has been an inspirational week for me.

My man Rob ran his first 5 KM race in 27 mins!!!!

We were all cheering him on! So very proud of him!

My friend Katie did her very first Marathon!!!!!You HAVE to read this story!!!!
She is amazing!  She has transformed herself into a machine over these past two years and it took until 10 weeks ago for me to get up off the couch and stop just reading her posts and get off my ass....
I waited at the finish line for her but SHE WAS TOO FAST!!!!! LOL....I tried to find her to congratulate her but it was just too hectic and soooo many people. I knew I was there, and I watched her in amazement.

As for me.... weight is still dropping. :)..so i'm happy about that...you'd think that it would be faster with all the sweat and stink i can produce, but i'm ok with slow and steady!

I went to Sport Check and although I had to buy XL, I still bought shorts and tshirts and bras (under armour...if you work out, you need these..)...and they fit me!!! It's still difficult to wrap my brain around it but I am starting to see the changes a little. And the fact that I wasn't at addition elle (the fat lady store).....makes me happy!

I have discovered that I HATE looking in the mirror... today I was with Katie doing a few weights and she had us looking in the mirror while we did them, it was all I could do to not run away....not sure when I'll get over that part but to be honest, on a daily basis, I look in the mirror to make sure that the shit is out of my eyes and my ponytail is not crooked...that's it...
But several times I have been asked to "look at (my) form" in the mirror ...and I look a lot bigger than I feel...I think that's why I avoid the mirrors...someday, I hope to proud of what I see, not just what the numbers say.

I began week 10 on Friday so I will keep you apprised of my latest updates. I think I might try running outside. It is much different than the treadmill and if I want to get ready for my first 5km Army Run, then I best be practicing properly.

Have a great week...congratulations to all the runners that participated int he Ottawa Race weekend... reports of over 30, 0000 people ran in various runs...it's awe inspiring and I hope to be as good as them someday!

xo

so this is my new profile pic on Facebook...
it hurts..
it definitely takes time..
i am dedicated...
i have willpower....
i am making healthy decisions....
i a sacrificing a lot.. money, time with family...
i am pushing my body like it has never been pushed before...
and I KNOW WHEN I REACH MY GOAL,it will DEFINITELY BE WORTH IT!!!!!!!!!!

week 8...
weight 209
29 lbs lost
31 inches gone from head to toe!
BMI is 41.2 (was 49.8)
training everyday except for weekends I work...

i have been frustrated because i get weighed in after 2 hours of training and they tell me i've gone up a lb, sometimes more... i even cried in the truck one day....
but then on my rest days i weigh in and i've lost 5 lbs..
my councillors at Herbal Magic tell me that it is the "tear and repair" issues with strength training, and try to have me focus on my lowered BMI or inches lost...
it doesn't make sense and for someone who is number focused, i am not trying to focus on the weight, rather on the way i feel and my gaining strength... but it's hard...
i NEED the numbers to go down.. this, unfortunately is how i stay motivated...

but overall i am pleased and doing the very best i can everyday to make sure i reach my goals...
people criticize that i am working too hard, or doing too  much...
but i do what i can and rest when i have too...

it's a journey and balance is the one thing i know i have to work on...
but i feel amazing and am proud of myself for the the first time is a very long time...

week number 9.. HERE I COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!